Friday, November 16, 2018

Today's Post is All Over the Place

In our spare time over the last week - which has been little, we have watched the first three episode's of Masterpiece Theatre's The Durrells in Corfu.  It was great!  We'll have to get some more discs of it. 

 Katy sent me a pic of their church's small group in which a raccoon was peering in the window.  lol  Yes they do live out in the middle of nowhere practically.  This is hilarious.

It took me over an hour to get to work yesterday.  I inched in towards Nashville in this mess.  It was a wreck which must have had the interstate blocked or down to one lane until it all moved over.  Once moved over we started moving a little but then everyone had to slow down to see if they knew the people and what happened so we hardly went any faster. 

Days like this make you want to work from home with NO exceptions!

My SIL, Cody has been on a trip this week with his team at work and caught a great looking fish.  I am not sure what kind it is.  He looks pretty happy.  In his element.  This was something they did down at the Texas coast. 

I'm excited to see this show as I like Candace Bure (Full House).  I recently read her latest book. 
I don't do a lot of the Life Time channel movies but I will watch hers. 

And I'd really like to see if I'd like this show with Connie Britton.  

Anyway, lots of things to murk up the "to do list".  Meaning of murk?  Making it difficult to see my "to do list" lol!  Murking it up so I can't see nor do it!  Oh but I love to sit with a bowl of popcorn and watch a show after I've worked on my to do list for a while.  

So we took Tugie to Mom's yesterday.  We took all her treats and foods, stopped at Walmart and got more buddigs (meat treats for her pills to be wrapped in).  And we just decided we didn't want burgers or that kind of drive thru food.  We held out for fried chicken from KFC in Columbia and took it to Mom's.  We wanted a hot meal.  Turns out she hadn't eaten anyway yet so when we called and told her we were bring a bucket of KFC - she was delighted. Not the best for any of us but at this point - sometimes a bucket of fried chicken is what the doc ordered.  And ohhhhh how good it was! I thought it was a great idea too b/c Mom has a lot of chicken to eat off of for a few days now.  

I hope Tugie did ok last night.  She did not seem distressed that we were leaving and did not seem to even want to go.  But she loved being in my lap for the trip there without having Maisy hovering over.  She leaned on me and loved on me with her head.  So sweet.  I miss her and it seems strange to and a lot less of a crew just having two.  

I hope it all goes well with her there.  

So now we are at Friday, my last day to work.  There is not enough of me to go around for all the needs.  But I have made progress toward some critical things.  It's never enough.  I refuse to feel guilty for taking a vacation b/c we all get and deserve to take it.  If you can't be disconnected for a bit every once in a while, and see family and be with your own, then life is just not worth the try.  What are you living and working for?  Just to work? I don't think so.  So I am unplugging (literally b/c in many spots there is no cell service and internet is very spotty).  I won't completely be off the grid.  Katy says her internet is not great but I might be able to get a blog post done.  So I am taking my laptop and will attempt.  I'm leaving my work laptop at work b/c that way I can lead my assistant to certain documents or forms or data if needed.  I won't be taking two laptops with me and I wouldn't be able to have it with me anyway since we are going to be out and about in remote towns of TX.  I'm not going to be in internet cafes working.  So best to leave it at work where she can access if needed.  

And that is all I know.  I'm leaving early this morning since traffic has been so horrible.  We need to get this day done and over and tonight we will finish packing, pack the car, and in the morning head out.  My suitcase is already packed.  But I have to add shoes and cosmetics.  I have to pack all the pet supplies and all my Isagenix stuff.  We have a lot of eggs in the fridge and are boiling eggs for the road and taking bread and peanut butter.  I think that will get us to memphis.  lol  We will stop for lunch somewhere beyond Memphis- likely BBQ take out and eat it in the car.  We will have the doggies.  We decided we'd start early and stop if we saw anything interesting.  We'll get to our 1/2 way point and check out the town!  Dog friendly hotels rock! 

We are also packing Katy's Christmas stuff in the car so we have to get all that packed.  Anyway I'm ready to get the day done so we can get on with it.  And perhaps while there I'll make some decisions about 2019 and exactly what my goals are and what that looks like.  

And I need to go if I'm going to get a head start.  
I'll be posting one way or the other.  I have a blog app that I can use via cellular if needed. 

Hope you all have a wonderful Friday and a wonderful weekend.  
Please pray for our travels.  And we have a pot luck today for lunch.  Looking forward to that.  

Take care! 

Thursday, November 15, 2018

Speculating about Fructose, Flu Shots, and Miss Tugie Going to Mom's

What a rainy day it was yesterday!  And it is snowing this morning.  I don't think it is much for us to worry about but I will have to give it some attention this  morning and make sure before I leave. 

The coffee is good going down.  The house is 69 but feels like 55 to me.  I can't complain though b/c we do have heat.  My BIL and SIL do not have heat.  We told them they could stay with us and they thought about a hotel but they decided to stick it out.  They were going to sleep in their sleeping bags and said they had spent colder nights in a tent.  We went out to dinner with them last night at Martin's BBQ and had a great time.

Yesterday was a day of twists and turns every which way.  Very busy.  Lots of needs.  And I was by myself for most of the day.  Much of my appointments were cancelled for today due to flights being cancelled of those I was meeting with - then I have a chance to get some things done before vacation. 

And tonight George and I are taking Tugie to Mom's.  We are very sad that she cannot go with us on the Texas trip.  She would be miserable.  She needs to be a place where she can rest, a familiar place, one with less activity, and no long car trips back to back.  She no longer is comfortable in the car.  And so Mom is so nice to keep her.  She can sleep and be pampered by Mom. 

Thanks for the comment yesterday about Fructose.  I looked and the shakes do have Fructose.  Fructose is a natural sugar found in honey and fruits, and many of the vegetables we eat so that is hard to avoid.   It also has Stevia which is a natural sugar from a plant used since the 16th century to sweeten teas and such. All of the ingredients are natural.  Just b/c it's natural though doesn't mean I might not have some lack of tolerance to it.  So any of these things are possible.  I have done extensive - extensive (worth repeating, lol) research on Isagenix and most of the folks with this digestive problem is when they are first getting on it and getting used to it.  No one else seems to be having issues on going that I can find.

I don't know what the answer is.  But the lab reports will rule out something I guess.  I'm still leaning on the flu shot's dead virus with this year's flu shots containing that last strain of flu that took so many people out.  And it occurred to me this morning that it was after last year's flu shot that I began having trouble with my arm.  I have no clue if that could have been connected to the site of the shot in my muscle, after reading about other's having issues.  But after this year's flu shot - having some more inflammation in the same place that made we really wonder.  Maybe it wasn't lifting luggage at all that did it.  I'm getting very curious now about this.  Mom also has a friend that got the flu shot and going through some of it.  A girl at work's Father In Law was hospitalized with the same issues after the flu shot and pneumonia shot.  So the shot this year is a strong one and I'm suspecting that my body is reacting from it.  But no one really knows.  It could be something in the system, it could be something going wrong with my body, it could be a virus or bacteria.  My head spins trying to figure it out.  And I appreciate ya'll trying to figure it out too.  I need all the help I can get. lol If it is not something simple the lab reports find - then I imagine I will have to really do a log of some sort and it'll take a long time to figure it out.  Go through a process of eliminating and then adding back. 

One thing I haven't done much of is add cheese!  Mom said "go eat cheese!".  So perhaps I will do that. lol

Better go - I have a lot to do this morning extra in getting Tugie ready to go!  Or at least was hoping to.  Time is always something we never have enough of.

Ya'll have a good Thursday.  Thanks for reading and I appreciate your comments and input so much.  Even when it is about my OUTPUT.  lol lol lol lol

Wednesday, November 14, 2018

Sample Time! LOL

Well, this week is going by fast.  It's a little bit of crazy.  But I'm getting thru it so far.  Didn't really feel good yesterday but pushed through it.  I'd been awake since 2;30 so I was tired.  But I had product to help me push through it with my Stress formula, vitamins, and an e-shot.  Not having my shakes often and not doing my cleanses, are making me feel worse b/c the inflammation comes back.  I'm having a shake today though.  Chocolate mint and I cannot wait.

So last night I was finally able to get a sample.  There are 3 test tubes and a tupperware (of sorts) to go kit.  That ain't right.  lol The tupperware thing has to be frozen.  That ain't right either putting in your freezer.

So this morning I'll drop off samples to the doctor.  Maybe in a few days it'll shed some light.  I'm tired of trying to figure it out.  And glad to have been able to get the samples done.  You have to be in the right place at the right time and prepped for it. So it was not as easy as one might think, but not as hard either.  Not something I'd care to repeat.

But anyway, glad all that is over and maybe we will have some answers.

There are blessings and I'm focusing on those:

1.  I don't feel "sick" in any way. This is major.  If I were nauseated it would be horrible.
2.  I don't hurt.
3.  This is better than the alternative. lol  That was miserable.
4.  I'm able to go and do. So I can work, travel, and be ok.
5.  The most important thing:  God has got this.

So after work I had to go to Publix and get my Rx (BP meds) so I'd have enough to go to Texas.  So the renewal timing was perfect.  I got a few things for dinner.  We have used most of the quick items from our freezer, anticipating the meat from the cow.  And we are going to be on our trip soon so not stocking the fridge.  And we will be getting a new fridge on the 1st so trying to use up all in the fridge and not stock up.  So I got a roasted chicken cooked by Publix - the last one left - and some salad, and some creamed spinach by Stouffer's and canned cream corn.  I also bought our corn tubes for our corn at work.  We are both taking corn in the crock pot for that as we both have Thanksgiving pot lucks at work on Friday.  I think that is sweet.  Ours is always very sweet.  A time to gather and be thankful for one another, be thankful for our jobs, for what we have, and our work family.  I work with some really great people on a daily basis.

So I'm getting excited about the trip.  It is in sight now!  I've asked Katy if I should bring my laptop.  They have some internet but it's not very strong.  So it may be fruitless to bring it.  I think there is cell service but spotty.

Anyway, I'll at least bring ipad and phone.  If she says the internet is good enough I'll bring laptop.

I've made the decision not to focus on the business any more til after the holidays.  I hardly had time to focus on it during the regular days.  But right now the focus is on taking care of the holidays, the people in my life, my health, my family, and being present in the moment.   That said, I'm here for my team, to help if needed.  I'm here for support.  I'm here to cheer everyone one on.  The good part is that you get to build your business at your own speed.  But for now there is not any use in trying b/c I will just frustrate myself trying to get everything done I want.  Again, I'm here for my team.  And, I have the right to change my mind at any time.  Mid December I may kick in again - we'll see.  I haven't had time to work it like I've wanted.  I have however, done all the base work, learning and sip and samples, and have been "getting the business down".  I'm ready to move into the next phase as soon as I can.  And honestly I need to find out what is going on with me so I can dive in whole heartedly.  Right now I'm kinda stuck.  I've got to make sure that it is not something on the system making things go awry.  I doubt it is but I have to know for sure.  If the docs can't figure it out - I'm going to have to try to figure it out on my own.  And that will mean a long drawn out thing of trial and error and logging - getting off things - starting it back.  So I cannot focus on the business right now and growing my team.  I have to get better first.

Anyway, I best go and finish getting ready.  I have to drop off samples to the doc this morning and then will be in to work a little late this morning.  Not sure what time their office opens.

Anyway, ya'll have a great day!  I'm going for my shake this morning.  Have a good day!

Tuesday, November 13, 2018

Just Another Evening, Another Errand, Another Day Closer to Vacation

What a cute work of art here.  Love this.  Don't have much time.  I hit snooze way too many times.  lol George and I stayed up too late apparently.  I didn't really notice the time.  But I sent a business text at 10 p.m. last night in response to someone.

When we got home, we had to go get George's car - the Rav4 - from the shop.  He paid for it on the way in yesterday.  Since I was out part of Friday for the doc appt, then I didn't want to be late to work for taking him to get the car.  So he paid for it in the morning and we went and picked it up after work.

Then we came home and I did laundry (towels) and he fixed us a dinner of pasta and sauce - that we bought from the Christmas Village.  It was really good.

We talked to Katy for about an hour.  And then we watched the rest of our Netflix video.
Then took dogs out and went to bed.  Not an exciting life, but that was yesterday.  lol

I did find out that our 1/4 of a cow has been slaughtered and is hanging.  That sounds horrible.  When you realize that part of it - it makes you appreciate the life of whatever it is that gave up their life for you to be sustained in life.  We are scheduled to go pick it up the same day the fridge is being delivered.  So it may be that George will go get the cow and I'll be staying home for the fridge delivery.  If the fridge comes early - I will get to go.  Rarely does anything work out though when you want it to so I'm not planning on going.  If I get to then I'll be surprised.  You know I'm a home body though, so staying home is probably best for me given the upcoming holiday decorating and gift wrapping that needs to happen along with the housework, laundry, ordering, and continued shopping, and so forth.

So, off to get ready and get to work.  Trying to work extra this week if I can - getting there early, eating lunch at my desk, and so forth.  Staying later past 5 is harder this week as we have errands to run and places to be.

Yesterday I had meatloaf from Cracker Barrel with mashed potatoes and green beans and carrots.  I did not eat all the carrots.  Three sides is too much.  lol  I also had a few bites of the corn muffin.  Comfort food.

So, everything is coming together so far for the trip.  And I'm going back for some more coffee!  Gonna be a big bad busy day of running around and not much accomplished at the desk.  Since I'll be doing harassment avoidance training at the plant and doing a post office run to mail off the Holiday cards.  All that puts a dent in the day.

Oh and one more thing!  The flu shot contains the following so when my doc said "are you sure you have not been taking antibiotics?" - I actually did have the flu shot and the problems began occurring after that - a week to two weeks later it began:

The following list looks at seven ingredients in vaccines, including flu shots, and why vaccines need them:
  • Influenza viruses. The flu vaccine contains tiny amounts of the viruses it protects against. ...
  • Formaldehyde. ...
  • Aluminum Salts. ...
  • Thimerosal. ...
  • Chicken egg proteins. ...
  • Gelatin. ...
  • Antibiotics.

Ya'll have a great Tuesday!

Sunday, November 11, 2018

Shopping, Eating, Walking, Packing and Praying for Normal

Well as you can see I tried to eat as bland as I could.  lol  Eggs and bacon and grits.  And a biscuit with strawberry preserves.  We ate at Biscuit Love.  It's in the Gulch in Nashville.  

Above is George's Hot Chicken buscuit.  

Then we headed to the fairgrounds for Christmas Village.  It was wonderful! 

We stood in line about 30 minutes before the opened.  The wind was very cold.

There was so much stuff and so many people that I did not take many pics.  

These were so cute. 

And we ran into a friend!  My friend Dawn from Gallatin.  We went to church together, had some classes together, small group time together, planned together, and supported one another.  She has such a big sweet heart.  

Mr. and Mrs. Claus where shopping yesterday!  

My man took me to get a burger.   We went to Jack Brown's and it was soooo good.  I know I know, it's not exactly bland enough.  But it did have bread.

I love the vibe and fun in here.  It always feels like spring.  And is always happy and crazily decorated.

I was happy to see Katy and Cody were also out having a good time.  They went to see the Pred's in Dallas.  

I was so exhausted by the time we got home.  We also hit a couple of other places and had a beer.  Yeah I know.  Not on the BRAT diet. Most of the issues are back and forth.  And instead of keeping on a BRAT diet, I sortof just included the BRAT diet into my diet.  lol  The probiotics seem to help more than anything.  I'm not sure I'll be able to get the test done either b/c it can only be done when things are going awry.  So we'll see.   I am sorry but I don't have a lot of trust in the doctor's.  I am breaking out into a cold sweat, quite often though and I don't understand that.  It often did that when cleansing - so I think it's my liver trying to detox whatever is going on.  This has all been very depressing to me.  I am up and down.  Am I going to live or die?  

And b/c I ate so much in the last two days-- eating so much crap that I'm not supposed to eat - like BREAD and carbs and potatoes and white foods - I was completely nauseated when we got home.  And had to take an indigestion tablet.  I've not had to do that since I've been on my system.   I was also worn out and frozen to the bone and could not get warm.  I went to bed at 7 and got up at 5 this morning.  Last night I thought I was dying.  I felt limp and lifeless but this morning upon waking I felt much better.  

We didn't go to church this morning b/c we had so much to do here to get ready for our trip.  
I've done laundry as usual and ironing, and packed up my Isagenix goods for the week and for the trip.  I went in and checked my autoships - both mine and George's to make sure it's set for what I need when I get back.  And won't ship until we get back. 

I did the Target order and ordered the usual treats and also ordered Science Diet again thru Alexa so that we have plenty, with Tugie going to Mom's and the other two going with us. 

I have packed up my suit case for Texas except for some black pants that need to dry and be ironed.  Jewelry and shoes are all fixed.  Even my outfit to wear Saturday is set to go!  I've not prepped my work clothes this week.  Just now thought of it really, lol.  I guess I need to go think about that some to save time in the mornings.

I've swapped purses. 

George and I went through all of our purchases and logged them on the Christmas list and figured out what was left to buy.  We have made some huge progress.  

George brought up the Christmas stuff.  I have not been in the mood to put it up yet but just feel good knowing that it is upstairs already and ready to go.  We'll work on it when we get back.  

We have talked to the house sitter that will be staying here and all is well. 

I even played my Tropical Paradise game just for fun to sit still for a minute this morning with some coffee.  

 And I went for a walk around the block and then some for a quick 1 mile and a quarter walk and some 2700 steps.  It felt great.  I cannot cleanse yet, for a while, until my tummy gets back to the appropriate balance. So getting some exercise will hopefully help keep the lbs away while I'm expected to eat these things I don't normally eat that bloats and clogs you.  I think I like the other way better.  lol 

Anyway it did me wonders to get out.  I proved to myself I'm not dying.  Not yet anyway. 
I can still walk.  I even considered running.  I decided that after the new year, I may try working up to a run just to see if I can.  But I kept it at a walk today.  After the new year, I'll have my Apple Watch and can study the heart rate thing.

Since I was on my feet most of yesterday and also today, my back is hurting me pretty good. 

Anyway, things are coming together for the trip.

Someone tried to break into one of my signon's yesterday under BackPorchGal.  I don't use that sign on much.  But I got a notice that someone tried to log in as me. :-O  It wasn't me.  I'd even forgotten about that one.

Here are the pics from today:

Very peaceful.  Me and my ipod and also took them off at times just to hear the nature. 

I had a sweet moment when I looked down at my phone and a friend had texted to say "hi" and ask about me.  And all the while a song was playing with lyrics that said "we all just need to be loved".  It makes all the fear and sadness and worries go away when people are nice, to the point of caring about you.  My heart is saddened by the ones who don't - that would rather harm your spirit and psyche for whatever reason.  Makes me so glad to have true friends that care about my life. And show it.  So much of that is missing from life. 

Yes, enjoyed the walk.  Enjoyed the day. 

Just wanting life to be normal.  I want to go back to my system b/c I start to feel bad when I'm not.  The white foods and bread is just not nutritious.  So I'm trying not to go back to the dairy just yet.  But I may soon.  Maybe in the morning or maybe Tuesday morning.  Or until I get this test done.  But if it is normal I can't do the test.  lol  Anyway I'm confused and trying to give it to God.  The doctor's don't have an immediate answer either.  He was really thinking I'd been on antibiotics.  But I've not been.  Others say it's stress.  I've not really been THAT stressed.  I mean yeah, there have been some gnarly people I've had to deal with lately but I can brush that off easily now like I've not been able to before.  Yeah there is a lot of responsibility and a lot I'm trying to do.  But it's all a good stress.  I don't know.  Maybe the vacation will help.  If it does then we'll know the culprit. 

I just want happy times and feeling good and going on about my plan and hopes and dreams.  And being able to do what I want to do.  I'm so excited about the future but all this is messing with it and with me.  So I have to figure out what is going on so I can know what adjustments to make and how to get it done from here, where I sit.  

Like now!  Probably no post in the morning.  Since I've posted today. 

Saturday, November 10, 2018

Stop! Don't Eat White Foods! OK! Go Eat White Foods!

I failed to mention that Thursday night after work was shopping night.   It grew and grew what I needed to do.  Originally needed to stop at Belk for eye liner, added to that some khaki pants for winter.  Wanted to get a different color lipstick since my hair is lighter now.  And then I needed to go to Penny's.  And then George asked if I would go get Tugie's meds, in another city altogether but only 20 minutes opposite of the shopping.  How could I say no? 

So I found not only the much needed khaki pants, but another pair of blue pants that fit me better and also a pair of brown pants which I never thought I'd be able to wear.  Maybe I haven't shopped before for myself for pants before Thanksgiving.  So my size was in everything.  Must have been a newly arrived shipment.  The sales were everywhere.  Even $1.99 rack for tops, $4.99 racks.  Still, I could not be enticed for the sale racks.  No time and I'm in the mood to move on, my summer wardrobe already doing fine.  But it was awesome to be able to get 3 pair of pants that fit for winter. 

So, I did go to the doctor.  And the irony is just astounding.  On my last visit he says, "continue on with your low fat diet, good job, stay off of the white foods (pre-diabetic reasons)". 

Yesterday.  "Go eat some bananas, applesauce, rice, and toast and probiotics and cut out dairy"!   

Does this not happen all the time?  Last time it went in the other direction.  The pendulum swings. 
Eat this.  Now don't eat it.  Don't eat that.  Now eat that.  

It makes ones head swim.  So I've tried so hard to lose weight and cut out all those things. So after the doc I went to the store and bought bread, crackers, beanie weenies (b/c I wanted them), dark chocolate with almonds, instant rice cups.  In my rebellious attitude I came home, had a glass of wine, ate the beenie weenies which were a disappointment, went over ate some BBQ kettle chips, opened a bag of baked crackers and ate a bunch of those, ate potatoes for dinner and had 2nd's.  Ate some of the Hershey's dark chocolate with almonds bar and decaf coffee.  

This morning.  I'm all normal!  My body hurts, but all functions are normal.  

And I can't wait to go back to my shakes.  Which I will do by Monday morning!  

So I think this is a gut thing and it does not want me to eat healthy.  So how do I retrain it?  I've done well for so long.  I keep reverting back to the flu shot and how after that is when things began to go awry - after about a week to two weeks after the shot.  Is that possible?  My glands began to be sore one morning.  That went away but then the gut trouble started.  I've had a pain or two in my glands off and on - nothing constant and nothing worth even mentioning.  So my system is acting as if it is fighting something.  The good news is that my white count was good.  But the doc said he thought it was a bug and gave me a "poop kit", lol.  Well I'll have to wait to see if there are any other abnormals before I can do that.  

Life is just so intriguing.  Don't eat those white foods!  Now go eat those white foods!  Drives me crazy!  I'm on a mission - don't they know that?  The devil is messing with me I think.  But God wins.  The good news is, I was not sent for further testing and so it's probably just a virus bug or food intolerance or a system imbalance.  So I guess we see what happens. 

Gotta go - we are having a fun day today.  And leaving soon.  I will have a lot to share tomorrow. 
On to more coffee and to get ready! 

Friday, November 9, 2018

Discouraged and Calling the Doc

It was such a pretty day yesterday leaving the house.  I got out of the car and captured a few more photos.  

This photo actually popped up in my memories!  I used to love this tree face.  It is gone now.  I bought George another one a few years ago but he has not put it up.  :-(  I guess he didn't like it as well as I did.  

 The clouds added to the pretty morning.  I thanked the Lord for such beauty. 

And there I was last week thinking everything was just turning brown and I was wishing to be in Vermont! lol.  But we have our very own Vermont happening!   At this point it will not last long.  It's raining out there now and I suspect we'll have bare trees soon.  I also love the smell of wet leaves in the fall.  

Well, I'm sad to say that the issues are back.  I had laid off the probiotics the last two days since it was better.  It doesn't seem to matter what I eat - I've eaten different things and it just does it when it wants to.  All I know is that the pro biotics help and I thought the cleanse made it worse, but it is happening w/o me cleansing.  So now I'm not sure. 

But YES, I'm going to the doctor today.  I will go to work and make an appointment.  There is no guarantee I'll get in today. So I don't want to wait here this morning and call.  I'll go in and get done what I can and take whatever appointment I can get.  If I need to go next week I may have to move some things around on the calendar.  Because the week is really stacking up.  

I have an orientation this morning at 8 as well and I'll get that done. If the appt is mid day I'll just take laptop and work home for the rest of the day b/c I'm not driving in to work back to the doc in MJ and then back into Nashville again.  So we'll see what happens.  

I feel great.  So something is just not right.  An imbalance?  Or do I have cancer?  No other symptoms of the cancer thing.  But it's not comfortable reading about.  

I got in my salted caramel shake.  I haven't had one yet. Also got in my Jingle Essential Oils.  
Just not sure what is going on but it's time to go see.  

I was getting better and so I was so upset yesterday.  I give up.  I can't control this.  God whispers "I have a reason. Trust me."

So I will.  I told George that I wanted to be excited about life and things we are planning but I'm afraid to be happy in case something is wrong.  There may not be anything to be excited about any more.  

Only God knows.  I hope it's all going to be ok.  If not good news, at least I won't be frustrated with this world anymore.  

So prayers please.  I'd love for this to be ok and to get to see my grandchildren one day.  I really do want to enjoy life. Right now it's getting hard to do with this slapping you in the face every day.