Sunday, July 14, 2019

Decision Time on the Blog ~ I'll be Away for a Few Days

I have decided that for right now, I'm not going to blog for a while.  Maybe even a good while. The minimum amount of time I will be away is 5 days and the maximum time is two weeks. At that time  I'll post my decision on whether I will continue or close the blog.  I need to see how I feel at least over a week to two week period and make sure I'm not making a wrong decision on a whim.  Why?

1)  The blog is not serving me in purpose as it has before.
2)  There are so many other things I'm finding that I should be doing with that time.
3)  Often the wrong people are reading and it makes me feel vulnerable that I can't be me or that people are on a witch hunt to see if there is a hint of anything that I'm saying or doing wrong.
4)  I'm just wanting to be more private in my thoughts.  If no one knows what they are I can't be judged on them.
5)  I've been two days without comments now.  So maybe someone is reading but it feels weird to me when no one comments at all.  I've thought about reaching out and publicizing the blog but all the wrong people will flock to it like gnats on mayonnaise.
6) I feel like God is helping me make this decision.  It's only a trial decision to see how I feel.  I've been doing this blog thing for so very long.  It's very sad, but other chapters are unfolding.
7) I'm not getting the time I need to work on some other projects - and I do have a lot of irons in the fire. I need some time to evaluate again what is important in the time of my life that I have left. 
8)  Most of those who do read the blog know where to find me on Facebook or Instagram.  If not I would welcome you on my Facebook feed and Instagram follow as long as I know who you are from this blog.  Snoksred?  Jan?  And others that comment periodically.  Most of you are already there anyway.
9)  I feel like my blogging and writing experiences are letting me down right now.  And working against me instead of for me.  Maybe they always have been.  But I am not satisfied with it at present. I'm just not feeling it anymore.  Maybe God is changing my heart on it.
10)  Maybe I'm just tired of blogger itself.  Maybe a new medium needs to take hold with a varying purpose. Maybe I'm just at one of those cross roads in my life.
11)  Does it feel sad?  Yeah kinda.  But it's not like I can't come back, or start a new blog somewhere else, or do vlogging instead.  It is exciting in a way to be able to fill that time with other things.  So many other things I want to do, learn, experience, and succeed in, and reach goals toward.
12) I don't feel like I'm serving anyone else any purpose either.  Mostly what this has been is a way to park my feelings and document our life.  I'm not really getting to get into my feelings anymore.  I don't feel safe in doing so anymore.
13) We'll end with a 13 for good luck.  lol. And I'll let that be a question for you.  What purpose over the years have you come to this blog for?

And so we'll see how this goes.  I'll be back soon to let you know.  As early as this Saturday July 20, or as late as Saturday July 27th. One to two weeks ought to give me a chance to be away long enough to think it through.  And see if I miss it.  Or if I am welcoming my new time with other things.  Or if I'm sad, or happy.  Or just how I feel.  As of right now, my mind is made up, but I'm not going to just do that without giving myself a trial period away.  I know myself better than that.  I think my Facebook is attached here, you can befriend me if you'd like.  I'm just thinking that this is probably the beginning of the end of the blog.  I can do mini blog posts on FB as that is where most people are if I have a day I really need to talk or share.  I really like Instagram Stories.  It's fun and not too personal.  But you can share a little.   I just don't feel safe or satisfied here any more.

Thoughts on a Sunday Morning and Excursion in Franklin, TN

Well, the above is about to happen soon.  I was thinking August but I need to check and see.  Can't miss that!  

You can see "Itty Bitty Kitty".  I touched her yesterday to pet her while she ate and she flew off the porch so fast.  George touched her ear.  However, she is more brave.  We will have to work at being able to pet her.  She will be loved so much if she will just let us. 

Max Lucado is coming out with a new book.  I'll get this in audio form if they have it when it comes out.  Marking my calendar for September.  I think it will be a good one to read.  It's a subject matter that I have been working on this year.  As you know...I found my Dad's "Key to Happiness" in his Bible.  And I also wrote out my "Joy Indicator" on a sliding scale - as "Being More Content" was one of my goals this year.  But goals must be measurable so I had to create a scale, lol.  So I am happy to say that most of the time I've been about a 7 "Finding some joy and focusing on happy things, and sharing joy with others".   (To be a 6 would be recognizing some joy but not sharing with others. And an 8 would be Feeling highly satisfied and organized and able to share.)  Remember this was my JOY-a meter and not anyone elses.  Mine is my own relative scale based on (mood, feelings, the way of my persona, etc.).  Yours might be different.   So I'm anxious to hear what he has to say.

I guess I'm kinda going through a mid-life crisis right now.  Just trying to figure out a few things.  My soul is really sceaming out on a few things.  I just need some answers.  I am excited to have a few BHAG's left - Big Hairy Audacious Goals!  Just not sure how to work it all in and the timing.  But since God leads the steps I don't necessarily have to have ALL the answers.  But I do need to sit down and do a mid-year RE-planning session.  To review my 2019 goals and make adjustments or realign.  Something happened this year in my thinking.  The limits I had set for myself opened up and I realized things do not have to be set in a certain way, you can shake them up, you can BE YOU, You ARE ENOUGH, and I'm back to realizing that the world CAN BE an open place for me to do and try some new things for my life.  That is when I took on the thought about the RV'ing.  Of course George is not as radical in his thinking.  The idea of waking up in different places for an extended amount of time and exploring our world just makes me want to hyperventilate with excitement.  We may not have limits for ourselves, but God does set some limits on our marriages, lol.  So if we both don't want to do this - I should probably not do this own my own.  Although I have entertained the thought.  George was none too happy about it.  So I will most likely succumb to his wishes - lol. 
Still - it does give me JOY to realize that we absolutely DO NOT have to stick to the limits our brain and our predecessors have assigned us to.  We CAN do things differently and not be stuck in the same ruts.

We had a little excursion yesterday.  We went to The Bottle Shop in Franklin, Cool Springs area.  We love going there and doing the wine tastings and then we buy a few bottles for our stash at home.  Yesterday they had cava/champagne/rose - 4 pack, plus a spritzer. 

While there I saw this beer. lol  Just liked the name mostly.  "I'm on a Boat" by Monday Night Brewing is just fun to me. Didn't get it.  I'm trying not to have a beer unless it's light.  Really trying to get at my goals.

The Bottle Shop, Franklin, TN

The clouds built up all around us but I don't think it ever rained where we were. 

Then we headed over to Connor's Seafood.   We met our friends there for dinner.  Had a great time!  

 George got some oysters.

The Sangria was just like I like it. 

And I had Prime Rib - oh my gosh it was good.  

So it was all very good.  I like my steak "medium".  It's not rare.  lol 

Anyway, we are off to take some supplies to church this morning for the back to school needs and then to go take Mom out for lunch for her birthday.  

I hope everyone has a lovely day.  

Saturday, July 13, 2019

What Drives Me?

Made this graphic back in the early days of playing around.  Very simple and sweet.  I was just so enthralled to be learning that you could make pictures on the computer.

So yesterday was fun - getting to go to lunch with George.  We went to Mission BBQ.  I took a video and failed to take a regular photo.  But the lunch was good.  I had brisket.  He had the smoked steak.

I had a special project to work on yesterday within some spreadsheets that took about half of a day with the interruptions and all.  Just a lot of things going on - putting out fires.   I'm very behind for working on special projects this week.  Plus all the fires to put out.  So hopefully can make some headway next week.  Gonna have to soon.

We are taking the dogs for their rabies shots today so we can take them to their new groomer at the appointed time.  We have dinner with a group of friends tonight. Tomorrow we take Mom for a special birthday dinner.  And we get to see Katy again in a few days!  I will be picking her up at the airport on Thursday.  Sweet.  So we have some serious housework to work in this weekend b/c she is bringing a friend.  So as busy as we are already we have to find time to clean and we want their stay to be special. That said:

I listened to a podcast book yesterday in the car that I'm doing by Peta Kelley called Earth is Hiring.
She is singing my soul in this book.  And I'm hanging on to every word.  I do get a little lost when she talks about aligning oneself with the universe.  That is different language for me as my spirituality and center is God.  So somethings you just have to keep in mind.  But the gist of the book, I like.  That you should be you.  You won't be happy or creative until you do align your world with what is meant to be.  And that your creative flows will be flowing when you are in alignment.  How being in a different place charges your creativeness.  How we don't have to follow what is typically been done in the past.  And how play is very important, even as an adult.  She gets right to the point of things.

And she helps you ask yourself some important questions.  Deep enough that my soul and subpsyche dreamed about it over night.

It is a very charged and deep question to ask oneself - "what drives you?", "What makes you wanna get up in the mornings?"  "What makes you say it was a good day when you hit your head on the pillow at night?"

To be able to answer all these questions, I decided to go deep.  Like really deep into childhood.  So I dug as deep as I could as far back as I can remember as a little girl and growing into adulthood.  Where does one's drive come from?  What makes you want to get out of the bed?  What gives you forward momentum? Well for starters - you had to get out of bed.  You had no choice.  lol

I've always been driven to accomplish my goals, to get the list done. To see the end result.  That is simple in a nutshell.  I wanted to accomplish "the list".  I've always felt there were too many rules.  I've always felt there were too many rules everywhere and that I was doomed that I'd never be able to be perfect to follow all of them.  I've always wanted to be free.  But I've always been a bit afraid of everything.  I was always guarded and protected.  I was always curious.  I always anticipated learning fun and new things.  I always wanted to be loved.  I always liked adventure and going new places.  I always loved to be praised - as in "you did good" or "good job" - it was more about what I did than anything about me personally.  I always wanted to please, but I wanted to do things in my own realm. I've always been very organized.  And while that doesn't seem like a driving force, it has been for me.  I like my world to be mine and to be organized the way I want it to be.  I've always wanted to be in control of my space and my time.  I've not ever really liked authority judging over my life- this is not from a disrespectful standpoint - I just like my own freedom to think, do things my way, think things through and not have to just live by someone else's words or agenda giving my life it's definition.  I like to choose my life path on my own.  I detest criticism and anger and confrontation.  I've never accepted criticism well because I've been around judgmental and opinionated people all my life.  It's made me avoid anything that is debatable in subject matter.  I avoid law, politics, news, and any arguable and debatable point.  I will walk away from an argument or debate at any time.  I loved school and learning.  I hated being on a time schedule though. Yet I do find some comfort in routines as long as the routine can be broken.  I have always liked to be thorough - at least as thorough as I want to be and when I'm done, I'm done.  I never liked reading instructions, I'd rather just dive in. I'm disciplined though enough to do the hard stuff first, get work done and play later.   I've always been afraid of being in a group of people I was not familiar with.  Horrors - getting on the school bus and having to select who to sit with? Or being in a crowd and not knowing who to talk to and just appearing weird.  The fear of the unknown has sometimes held me back.  The fear that a situation will be worse instead of better, has always held me back. I've always been sensitive and have taken people's words to heart which is why I have a protective shell around my heart.  Tears spill easily if I think I've disappointed someone because it was never my intention.  I've disappointed many people and many people have disappointed me.  Because of this my heart has been hardened and I continue to protect it by not allowing any feelings in that could break my heart or anyone elses again.

And those are all the things I can think of that either help or hamper me as far as my drive or lack thereof. All of that is "me" in a nut shell.

So zoom forward to this very day.  Why do I get out of bed?  Well, my dog needed me.  Or I would have kept sleeping.  I do have on my mind the things I want to do today, and the things I want to enjoy today.  I love planning the future, I love getting my list done still.  I like being able to see what I have accomplished.  My list is always way longer because my brain is way bigger than the time I have to do what I have set for myself to do.  I love learning new things.

Is my heart in the right place?  Well I hope so.  Perhaps I should be looking more outward under God's plan for my life to be there for others more.  That is within my plan and my thinking.  But I will be honest.  If we are talking drive here.  I'm all about my list and my agenda. It doesn't mean I don't love anyone else.  It's just the way I'm wired.  I guess I was born with that.  I was probably re-enforced and taught that in my upbringing and especially through school .  You do what you are supposed to, you organize your room, you get your homework, you put up your dishes, you follow these rules and follow this schedule.  You show up on time, be nice to others, take care of your stuff, make your stuff nice and neat, learn, grow.  So that is what I did.  You love and be there for others in the process.  And so has been the days of my life.

So I had to go through this exercise in my sleep apparently last night and this is what I came up with to see what drives me.  It's all about the list.  I see that is why I'm so attracted to George.  He is also all about his list too.

There are times when the agenda needs to be put on hold.  When life is not makings sense, you are off the agenda, or having to follow someone else's agenda, or your mind just needs a break - and I think that is why I like to play games.  I get to work on something other than my life but yet use the skills I have that I enjoy using.

What drives you?

Friday, July 12, 2019

Cooking Adventures and a Braver Itty Bitty Kitty

Yesterday I went to the doctor at 6:00 for my 6:20 appointment and got that over with.  Having to do without coffee in the morning is like being in time out or something.  It's like watching George eat a hot dog on cleanse day, lol.

The initial report is good and the doc says "all good and continue on in your weight loss journey".
Afterwards I went to Starbucks for coffee and a spinach and feta roll up.  I heard that was healthy.  However, the roll up was more like bread and not a tortilla and the feta was very heavy and cheesy.  It was good - don't get me wrong.  But it was not the healthiest option.  It was also a little greasy but maybe that was the cheese.  Anyway - I messed up there.  I didn't even get a shake in yesterday.  That filled me up and I snacked the rest of the day with nuts, imitation crab meat sticks, celery, and the last of some natural peanut butter and rice/nut crackers.  So I didn't want my shake for lunch since I ate that.  I was busy at the desk and didn't really take a lunch to make up for being an hour late due to my doc appt.  Oh but I did go back and make a frozen concoction out of my e+shot, Ionix stress formula, and my fruits.  I blended it with ice.  Very refreshing. 

Anyway, George was mowing last night since the weather was good.  And he had laid out cube steak.  However, the cube steak was very thin and not like a normal cube steak.  It was as thin as I have ever seen.  So I decided they would be like potato chips if I fixed them the normal way.  So I cut it up into bite sizes and decided to do a stir fry of sorts.  I don't ever cook rice b/c I always goof it up.  But I decided there was no reason not to try again as it's been years.  The first problem was finding rice.  We DID have every sort of rice known to man at one time and joked about how we have enough to last til our death.  George is always pointing at rice at the store and going -"need more rice?"  Especially those really huge bags. 

So I googled how to cook rice and I got it down now.  It turned out great.  And I also just googled a stir fry recipe.  And got the gist of what all I needed to do.  I grabbed the hot pepper chili oil, sesame oil, what little soy we had left and the Worcestershire sauce - b/c of not much soy.  lol

It looked like most all was to cook on the highest heat.  I cooked the meat to seer it mainly - not through and through yet b/c it'd be added back in later.  Took it off.  I didn't have onions or I'd have added that in with it.  I did have garlic though.  I forgot to add onion powder, but that is ok it all turned out flavorful.   I also scrambled three eggs over high heat.  Took them off.  And then I had already chopped celery and carrot into fine pieces and I stir fried that with the oils and sauces mentioned above and then when almost tender through and through I added the steak, rice, and egg back in and let it cook some more and simmer. 

As we were eating George said "This was very good".  So yay!  Break through in cooking adventures.  He normally cooks in this format.  To me, this type of cooking has been like climbing a mountain and I was not in the mood to climb it.  But last night I had an open mind and said to myself "you can do this".  And did it. 

I do see now that we need more rice in the house!  I don't go for the white rice anymore.  I will eat it if George fixes it, on occasion but he has been mindful of me not eating the white rice.  It has more sugar I guess (turns to sugar).  Same with white potatoes.  However, to me, if this is a natural sugar - I think we should have that from time to time.  But I prefer brown rice, wild rice, and so forth. 

Anyway, was happy to branch out with my cooking skills beyond just sauces, pastas, soups, salads, desserts etc.  That said, I'm not sure all those oils were good for me.  lol  But at least my bones won't creak.  I should be all ready to rock at this point. 

And I'm really ready for a Cookie Dough shake this morning (Isagenix of course). 

And the next couple of weeks are going to provide a lot of opportunity for overeating and not to healthy eating.  I will do my best but we have a lot - I repeat - a lot of eating out events about to happen.  Today, George and I are going to lunch.  He is off as his company lets Salaried off every other Friday - as long as they work 9 hour days all of the other days.  Only during the summer months though.  Ends Sept 1.  I'm sorry but that is genius and "cool as snot"  - I'm not sure where that phrase came from.  lol  But there it is.  It's a win-win for all and a total morale booster for them. 

The hourly folks may not like it though but they get the OT where as salaried do not.  I just think that is a cool perk. So we get to eat lunch today.

Anyway I need to get off and get ready for work.  But I should tell you that "Itty Bitty Kitty" let us get within 6 inches today.  She just is not ready yet for us to reach out and pet.  But almost.  George says maybe by the weekend we'll get to pet her.  She is getting braver.  And she is so cute.  She will sit and chase her tail.  She thinks her tail is about to get her and she'll hide from it.  She messes and plays with Little Bit - and he tolerates her.  I told him to tell her that we are ok people and that she should be comfortable around us.  I think he told her, b/c she is way more outgoing and unafraid this morning.  She has been building up to it though.  I just want to hold her and love on her so bad.  She has these cute big eyes. 

Well, better go!  Take care. 

Thursday, July 11, 2019

Annual Physical Today...Waiting for Coffee

Not much time...have to be at the doc at 6:20 this morning for my annual physical.  I cannot have anything to eat or drink.  I might be able to have water, but I can't remember what she said.  lol  Sometimes you can have black coffee but usually they don't say that.  It's ok at least it is early and I'm planning a trip to Starbucks on the way in to work as a treat.  That will be a black coffee and no fancy drink.  I'm entertaining possibly getting their oatmeal.  But I'll have stuff for a shake if not. 

Yesterday was ok.  Was able to get a few things going.  We now have 400 emps across 4 plants/transport/sales/and corp office and still just one HR Mgr and her assistant.  lol  No wonder the BP goes up and response time is dwindling.  Hope everyone continues not to mind the wait.  Because...they will.

Had two things to make my day yesterday:  1) Cracker Barrel grilled chicken salad.  I just couldn't do two shakes yesterday coming off of cleanse day  2) Got my pedicure yesterday and nails done.  So relaxing.  Those things really made my day better.  Otherwise I just didn't even want to DO yesterday. 

Sleep was good but short.  We watched a movie "Wedding Crashers".  I thought I'd seen it, but if I had I've forgotten it.  I guess there have been so many of those wedding movies that I thought I'd seen it, but it wasn't familiar once it started on.  It was a cute movie. 

Bed and sleep was good, just needed more snooze time.  I'm pretty sleepy this morning. 

I'm hoping my sugar lab work comes out ok.  I don't eat a lot of sweets and not eat a lot of carbs and hope that body is processing better with the nutrition going in.  I know that stress is keeping my BP up.  So I might need to take more ionix - you can take it up to twice per day.  Also hope the cholesterol continues to come down.  I won't know today but within a week the lab report will come out. 

I need to go finish getting ready so I can get out the door and get this done and over with. 

Hope you all have a great day! 

Wednesday, July 10, 2019

Side Wall of a Tent

Going to try to make it a good day despite the odds and negativity in today's world. 

May everyone face their truths today. 

If the shoe fits wear it.  ;-)

We all struggle to be the best we can be.  Often someone else's failures can make us fail too.  They say to keep digging for the why.  Keep digging to the root of the problem. 

When you get there, not everyone wants to look at that.  Usually means someone else screwed up. But I'm grateful for those that will dig to the root of the issues.  Because there are some roots to some problems that need fixing, badly.  lol

God is answering some prayers.  One way or another.  We shall see.

I'm trying to collaborate with another friend on a spiritual book - something different that hasn't been done before, but that requires some different thinking.  Seems like the harder I try to focus on something like this the devil tries to swat it out by breaking my concentration. 

Anyway, yesterday was not a bad day.  But it wasn't a good one either.  It was very unproductive in many ways but it was very revealing in others - and mostly a good way I think.  I hope. 

But at the end of the day when you can crawl in bed and know that you were at least in the spirit of truth, and the Spirit was with you.... you can rest knowing that God answers your prayers, listens, and places your steps.  You can sleep and not stay up and fume or feel regret because He's got this - He takes the yoke and you can Rest in Him.  And you know that no matter what, He's got you.  He places the steps.  He opens the door and closes them.  He lights the way.

Getting up this morning, I really am NOT excited to start this day.  Matter of fact, I'd love to just get in the car, head to the beach and say "screw it all".  I won't.  But that is how I feel. 

After all - the circus is not mine - I'm not in with the monkeys or elephants - I'm just a wee sidewall flap of the tent trying to protect the whole thing from the elements, waving back and forth in the wind and people forget I'm there. 


Tuesday, July 9, 2019

Hamburger Pie and Roger Losing His Hearing

George's tomato plant has some tomatoes.  Will the deer get them? We'll see.  He put netting around it.  It's in a planter and they usually don't come that close to the house.  I sure hope he gets some tomatoes!  That would thrill him.  He's only been able to grow cherry tomatoes as the deer always get the big ones.

Yesterday was not too bad for a Monday.  A few un-pleasantries but nothing outside the ordinary. :-P  You just unhook from it, accept it as not your circus, not your monkeys and go on.  Otherwise you would pull your hair out.  You cannot control others actions (or lack thereof) and you only can control your own and everyone else has to be responsible for themselves (or not as the case may be, lol).  

Also started the day with a 2 hour drive into work.  The road I go in on was shut down.   But had to get over that too.  It is what it is.  Nothing I could control. 

I did two shakes yesterday and made it through just fine.  I'm doing the 11 day shred.  So cutting back the calories a bit.  It's really the same thing we do all the time but we are doing it all as a group.  But I normally only do the one shake per day.  I was proud of all my coworkers yesterday - lined up to do their shake.  You could hear the blender going off a lot.  

We had a good dinner though.  George fixed hamburger pie.  There are biscuits involved.  But it wasn't too many.  He had spinach stuffed vidalia onions as well. 

It wasn't too unhealthy.  We do red meat once or twice a week and try not to eat too much white bread (or any bread really) but I will do some whole grain.  This was enriched flour though I'm sure.  Canned biscuit.  Not the best option but it was good.  

So the Birthday Cake Shake comes back today.  And I'm excited.  I'll order another couple of cannisters.  I wish it would become a permanent flavor.  It taste like cake batter.  lol  

It's not on line yet but it's usually about 9 a.m. when it is up and running.   

I have a new customer that started and checked on her yesterday.   And George and I watched an Alton Brown cooking show he had on DVD.  I got bored and started playing a game I found - it's kind of an escape type game.  It's on my ipad and I forgot what it was called but it's been entertaining and I've made several levels.  I like figuring it out.  But I think you can only go so many levels per day w/o paying for the premium.  That's fine.  Sometimes I just need to do something different with my mind. 

I ended up staying up an hour over my bed time though.  lol  Oh well.  I drank my e-shot later in the day about 5 and it lasts for 5 hours of energy - but it's like having one cup of coffee and all natural ingredients - not filled with sugar - not like an energy drink.  But it will keep you going til 10 if you drink it at 5.  I drank it on the way home so I was awake til 10:30 I think.  I will have to do an earlier one today.  lol

Today is cleanse day and also I have the 7:00 zoom call with our folks.  I think I may point the laptop toward the printer and teddy bear and do exercises while they talk, lol  lol lol   I can't ever get exercises in so maybe this is an option at times.  You don't have to show your face but it's an interaction so it's good to.  But I'll just listen in today and point the laptop cam elsewhere.  Or I could put a sticky note over the camera thing.  But it will be much more entertaining to look at my little teddy bear over there.  

Well, I best get to work.  The only other thing I wanted to say is that I've discovered this week that Roger may have lost most of his hearing.  The last few weeks I just thought he was lazy and didn't want to come out.  And well, he may be that too, but I think he is unable to hear me.  He no longer comes when called - not that he was great at it before but he would always look up, wag his tail, and he always responded to "outside" or "go OUT".  

He is non responsive and it occurred to me that he is not hearing us.  George agreed it seemed like he was losing his hearing.  I kept saying his name yesterday over and over while he was in my office with me and he finally looked up when I shouted it loudly.  So he can hear some.  He was like "what is that noise?"  Maisy looked at me like she was scared b/c I was loud.  lol  But this makes me so sad.  He used to wag his tail when you would talk to him and now he can't tell when you talk to him.   George thinks he is about 10 years old.  How do the years go by so fast.  Our little Roger.  So sweet.  He's laying here now and will not look up at me when I call his name anymore.  

See you tomorrow.