Strange and eerie weather outside this morning. And apparently a full moon. And you can see the results of it too. Chaos.
Yesterday was ok for a Monday. A bit interruptive and all schedules are off for the week - not much going like it's supposed to.
Usually I would care. But I think it's easier just to let go and be a feather in the wind than to fight it. Just tell me what time and where to show up. Meanwhile as I work on other's agendas, my own desk piles up even higher and everyone sits and waits for their thing they need from me - while I go knock my head up against a few walls for a while. lol At least my sense of humor is still hanging on. What on earth would I do without it.
Have been spending my time this week in the Podcast of Joy Junkie. I think some things are getting through. Much of my life I've let what I thought others were thinking, and others motives, bother me, shape me, and take up my thoughts. Being in control of my environment is a learned behavior that I developed naturally I think as I modeled behavior that I was familiar with - as I encountered life emerging from the nest. It's protectiveness has done well for me in many cases and in some cases not. I've learned I can indeed control a lot of my environment. After all we do have some rights as an individual and our minds naturally make us do actions that lead toward the visions we have in creating the environment we want and need. But what we can't control is what other people are thinking - well yeah in some respects you can sway people, but really it IS their own thinking. You have no real power to be able to manage a person's thoughts completely. Nor do I want to. But what you can do is keep whatever it is you THINK they are thinking from harming you by establishing boundaries with yourself and with others.
This is a new way of thinking with me and it really helped me yesterday work through some things. It amazes me that at 55 I'm still learning about myself and about people. Being in HR and seeing so many negative sides to people for 30 years can really impact your view on society as a whole because your experience and background become a bank of experiences or statistics for various scenarios in which a large percent has been negative because of the job I do in handing negative issues. I don't often get to see the good side of things as they happen. I'm usually by nature of my position handling things on the negative side. It kinda makes you jaded and gives you an extra sense about what people are thinking or what is happening. And then our minds react to that. Sometimes you are right and sometimes you are wrong. But I think it's given me a shadow. So I'm trying to view a new perspective on things.
Recently I said something in a group of people and someone laughed and looked at another person, and I took it as they were making fun of me. I didn't act like I acknowledged it. Maybe they were and maybe the weren't making fun of me. Maybe their timing was off and they were laughing at something I totally missed. I feel 95% right though as there did not appear to be any other thing that occurred that they would be laughing about. I brought it up to George later and he criticized me for thinking that. He said I didn't know what they were thinking and that was crazy to think such a thing. I kinda shut down. It made me mad. I'm trying to figure out why. I wanted to discuss with George my feelings about it and see what he thought. I was seeking to be consoled. I was seeking strength. But I was scolded instead and called crazy.
I've been replaying all this in the last day trying to figure out the whole lot of it. But I'm proud to say that it really doesn't matter what anyone thinks. It's hurtful when you THINK someone is making fun of you. It's hurtful when you go to talk to someone and they reprimand you instead. I am then reminded why I often don't talk anymore. Sometimes it's easier to just put up walls and be by yourself. You seek help and basically get verbally slapped in the face for asking. If you were to ask George though he'll tell you a different version. He'll think he said nothing wrong. He'll think I'm the problem. I don't know how fix things like this so I just shut down. I told him "this is why I never open up to you".
The Joy Junkie, although very foul mouthed at times, seems to have a good perspective on "being your best self" as it goes with relationships with others. I have a hard time sometimes being able to communicate with those that are critical, brazen, crass, and a know it all, and especially people that want to tell me what it is that I am thinking, or that think they know what my motives are when they don't even have a clue. I tend to be overwhelmed with that and shut down. Not that George is all those things. But I know some folk who are. You know that feeling? When your brain is trying to analyze what is happening in a conversation and it's too much to internalize and so you just SHUT DOWN? I'm not sure what the process is that happens that makes you shut down but I think it's too many things at once trying to be analyzed and too many emotions wrapped around it. You feel anger, confusion, and jumbled and so much so you just have to shut down or walk away.
But the Joy Junkie helps you establish some boundaries so that you can get what you need from others and stop the behaviors that you do not want. I need to get good at delivering the message. The tone needs to comes across better. She suggested something like this:
Tell the other person when you have a problem - not to try to fix the person or the problem but let them know what you need from them. Or tell your spouse "when I have a problem I need you to say ' How can I help you with this situation?' and I'll let you know what I need from you." In other words, don't try to fix it, I may just need you to listen until I ask your opinion.
Me: Blah Blah Blah situation. Pain, hurt feelings, blah blah.
Other person: How can I help you in this situation?
Me: I just need to vent.
Other Person: Ok vent away.
Or you might say
Me: I just need your opinion on the matter
Me: Tell me how to handle this person
Me: Tell me what I did wrong in this situation.
Then everyone is receptive and on board with what needs to be said and received.
Does that make sense? If I'm asking for a critique on my thinking, I'll be ready to receive it.
So I probably need to lay a few communication boundaries with George. He may need to lay a few with me. But there is a way to say it or we'll both shut down. We actually DID both shut down recently over this. I'm still dealing with it. I'm still trying to verbalize what the actual conversation of laying the boundary looks like. But I don't take criticism very well. He will say he wasn't criticizing me but giving me advice. So I should probably say "no advice given unless I ask for it".
He'll probably not like me giving him a boundary, but we all have needs and rights and know how we need to be treated and if that is the way we need to communicate fairly to have a decent conversation, then it's kinda necessary. I'm still very green on all this stuff. Sometimes it seems likes its selfish to have a boundary. But it's been capped off as "self-care" so that others thoughts and actions do not harm you. And we can keep ourselves from being negative and having negative thoughts, and have our own thoughts heard and not silenced.
And that is enough psycho babble for the day. I know just enough to be dangerous at this point. But I'm really enjoying the learning on it.
And here is the Kate Bug - Spirit week still going on. She is dressed as a tourist today. I thought she was representing Alfred Hitchcock movie though. Til I realized that would not be appropriate for 1st grade. lol
Coming off of a cleanse day today...look out! ;-)