Well, yesterday went well. First day back from vacation was not too bad. More emails and paperwork than you can imagine and no shortage of things to do, but it was not as insane as it could have been.
I spent my lunch doing a Bible Plan from YouVersion on forgiveness. Mainly stuff I knew already. Having studied the Bible all my life, I'm equipped with the main verses on forgiveness. But I need some help with application. I need to make sure I'm doing what I need to be doing in getting my own heart right in the situation I'm in.
When someone hurts your feelings and denounces you as a person because they tell you, you are soooo awful, because you did not do something they wanted you to on the day they wanted you to b/c of their own scheduling issues, and then keeps harassing you for it to the point you have to block them to be able to live and sleep without being upset....there are a lot of emotions to work through. All of the bad things said. All of the bad things that were said that other people said about me. So not only do you feel like you have lost one person in your life but that your camp of people are no longer at your side, and against you instead of for you. You go through a disappointment the size of the earth. You begin to question your existence, your value, what you did wrong. You begin to assess the past. You being to evaluate everyone, their motives, their reasonings, or lack there of, their role in your life, etc. You go through shock, anger, wonder, sadness, denial, resentment, and a whole range of negative emotions. Because of the label of gossip, you feel guilty when you talk about it, but yet you do so that you don't combust. When it's a family member you can't just shed the person out of your life because at some point you are going to be in the same room together.
So I need some help to be able to sort my feelings, to figure out what I can do to make the situation better, for everyone, and if not everyone, then for me. I am not simply hurt by one person here but by the judgement of several as not only the words of one have come my way.
So the study on forgiveness is so I can try to heal from hurtful words so that I will not harbor ill will against those that have talked about me, judged me, or shunned me. I am the very creation of those that begat me and I have no way to change who I am. What I've learned and who I am up until about age 12 or so is simply what I've been around, and the personality that God gave me, and the DNA that is within me. The traits I have in the way that I act and respond have been learned traits that I've picked up from those that I've been around most of my life. I can't change a lot of that. I can change some of it but it's very hard.
I've been told I'm very negative. But I grew up in a world in which the main things that were mentioned about anything, were the things that needed to be improved. I recognized it as a young girl as an effort of my superiors to make the world a better place and wanting the world to be perfect. It was only in my teen years did I realize that others did not take this same view. It was viewed as negativity. I was told to put on my rose colored glasses and see the world through that instead of seeing what's wrong with the world.
In my working career, I have always pointed out the things that needed improving. I've been able to improve many things by doing so and that has been part of my success. My goal has always been to improve my environment and everything around me.
Others have said, even my own immediate family, that I'm too pessimistic. I argue that I am a realist. And still argue that. To be a realist is to know the facts and to present them as such. So ok, perhaps I mention the bad first. But I do mention the good too. Maybe not as often as I should.
So I've spent the last day or so trying to evaluate me and my situation. Why did the family member really shun me? What is wrong with me? Why am I not lovable? Is my heart right in the situation? Have I forgiven the person? What are my feelings? What is everyone elses feelings? And for the love of Pete, Why don't I want to talk anymore?
So before I go any further, don't worry about me. I'm strong and perfectly capable of dealing with all of it. I've dealt with various messes for a long time. It's become a way of life I suppose. And eventually I decided I just have to live my own life and not care what anyone else thinks. Because you can't control what they think. And some are just going to talk about or judge someone no matter who they are. I bet if Jesus came down and lived with them - there would be something that wouldn't be right with him. So it's not for me to examine everyone else and why they are they way they are. But it is for me to examine within me and to determine what I need to do different as a person.
So yesterday I spent a lot of time during my drive time, alone time, lunch time, trying to figure out how to be the best me I can be. And what do I need to do different to be a better me for those left in my life. For so long I've had to try to forget others feelings and just deal with my own b/c I quit trying to be a people pleaser. I had exasperated myself. So I think I've gone too far in the other direction. I was not trying to be selfish, just sane. But the lines are getting muddled lately as to what my role, my actions, my feelings need to be regardless of any judgment or ill words spoken of me.
It's all very depressing I tell you to look at all of this and what it has become. But it is what it is. And this is why things like blogging, Farmville, pets, food, work, Facebook, time out with friends - become prominent features in your life. It's a search for pleasure and happiness and acceptance.
So let me switch and finish up talking about what I mentioned in yesterday's blog.
Reasons Why I Don't Talk Much
1. My head is filled with work stuff as in reality, much of the productive part of my day, using the best part of the day brainwise is all about work. I can only talk about work so much without boring the begoozers out of everyone.
2. I can't get in a word edgewise. When others are talking and sometimes I try to say something, usually the only way I can is if I interrupt, b/c people don't wait for me TO talk. I could go off on a tangent here and try to list all the reasons why people don't want me to talk, but that would be another blog post.
3. I don't usually keep up with sports. I don't really care for sports. I don't excited by it. I don't understand the hype of it. But I go along with it and I do have favorite teams. I just would rather do something else.
4. I don't listen to the news much. So I am not up on current events. Politics bores me now that I know so much about how it is. The news is always negative and as we know I have way too much of that in my life. Not only all the mess mentioned above but at work in HR you get all the negative stuff too. So I stay away from the news for the most part. But I have nothing to offer to a conversation about what is going on in the world.
5. The above situation has taken a toll on me. It's not something I'm proud of. All this mess that goes on. So I don't talk much about family. I don't want to dwell on the negative.
6. My voice isn't heard. Sometimes I actually do talk but am cut off by others whose voices are louder and don't realize (or care) that I'm talking. And so often I just trail off and give out.
7. If no one seems interested in my life or in what I have to say, I don't force it unless I'm just "having" to have a conversation and have no choice. You can tell. If a person is interested in your life they ask you questions about it. How are you? How was your day? What did you do today? What did you eat for lunch? What is going on with you? How is your family? Do you have any weekend plans? How do you feel about this? How do you view that?
8. People are so quick to judge every damn little thing you say and do. And as you know from above I'm just a bit tired of that. It used to really bother me and it still does obviously but I've come to just retreat into my own zone where I should be no bother to anyone else and no reason for concern.
9. I'm an introvert. I was an only child til age 10. I didn't even really need a voice as others spoke for me most of my life. I entertained myself for most of my life. Writing, drawing, reading, playing, listening, learning. Speaking was not something that I did a whole lot of unless I was excited about things. That said, here comes the next reason.
10. I'm not excited about as much anymore. If I'm excited about something the whole world will know it. The world and life has brought me down in so many ways with it's disappointments and negativity. And that said, here comes the next one.
11. I don't want to be negative. I truly don't want to be seen as negative. My brain works to point out that which needs to improve. People don't want to hear it so I try to keep it inside. And when I am told to be more positive by someone that is negative all the damn time, I really have an ire that runs down me like a lit stick of dynamite.
12. I don't like confrontation. So MANY people in my life are either defensive, or confrontational, or take offense, that it makes you not want to say ANYthing for fear of explosions. So walking on egg shells happens a lot around some.
13. I'm focused. I have a tendency to focus on ONE task or thought process and completely ignore or block out without realizing it, any and all other conversation. This makes others mad, but I have very little control over it. It's just the way my brain does. It hurts my feelings when people rag me over it b/c it's a part of me and I just do not focus on a lot of stimuli at once.
And that is all I can think of right now! If I think of any more I'll come add to it.
Hope you all have a lovely day!