Sunday, June 25, 2017

Food and Feelings

Well this is the (probably very high calorie) dish I fixed Friday night.  Chicken filled ravioli, with chicken italian flavored meatballs, green beans and a homemade alfredo sauce on top.  It was very tasty. 

I had 3 bananas about to go bad.  So I sliced them up for freezing.  Once they were frozen I put them in a baggie.  

The lily garden is so pretty this year. These June blooms will probably be gone before too long.  Once the really nasty heat starts up they begin to wilt away.  Thank you to the deer who have NOT eaten them this year.  The first year we were here - they were there one day and gone the next.  I thought someone had come with scissors and cut all my flowers.  But found it was deer.  At least that is what George said.  That is the only year that has happened though.  Very odd.  I did look it up and read that deer would eat them so I gave up my thought that someone did it even though the plants had scissor like cuts to it.  I'm sure deer teeth are scissor like!

The morning yesterday was just a piece of sweet bliss.  Coffee sipping and a bit of Tropical Paradise Farmville.  The laundry and ironing was done except for the doggies blankets and I'll do those today.
Was able to vacuum and then get some of the dusting done.  The dusting is mainly an area or two a weekend.  Today will be the bedrooms.

I ordered another LulaRoe top -  lol.  I told George I'd stop.  I don't think there are any others that really float my boat.  There was someone closing out at 40% off.  And so I have purchased 3 over the last few weekends.  The next one is more of a casual one but I went ahead and got it.  Most of what I need right now is clothes for work.  And sandals, but still no word on dress code.  So I hate to go and spend a bunch of money on sandals if we can't wear them.  I've never heard of such, but we'll see.   When there is no word on something, people invent what they think it will be and that doesn't serve well either.  Now it's rumored it's closed toe.  But that would be odd for office setting, but we'll see.  But we are anxious to know what it is so we have time to go shop and meet the codes.  Maybe we'll know by the July 4 sales?  Who knows. But I'm looking forward to shopping.  ;-)

Anyway I did the Walmart order also.  And worked in the kitchen a bit.  I made my signature smoothie, which usually give me enough energy to get me through til about 3 in the afternoon.

George went to his Mom's and met his Sister to clean out the attic at Granny Jan's.  And then he went to the store and to pick up Tugie's meds, and then to get some fresh veggies.  So we were each productive - just in different places.  

When he got home we went to get the car washed and vacuumed, and then to get the oil changed in my car, and then to Aldi's.  I still have to go out today and get bottled water.  I went w/o it the last two days at work and I really missed it.  I picked out some smoked salmon at Aldi.  There was only one left.  So we came home and made smoked salmon sandwich bites.

There is toasted bread, garden vegetable cream cheese, smoked salmon, a cucumber, and some fresh homegrown tomatoes.  Our neighbor next door asked us to come over and get cucumber.  So we did.
She gave us some home grown lettuce too last week and we had chicken salad wraps with it one night.

I set up this puzzle to work yesterday.  I've been wanting to work this since forever!  George said "you have worked that puzzle already".  I said - we started that puzzle some years ago but you and Katy finished it.  Katy was home from school some and I wanted an opportunity to work it.  Once it's finished I'll let it go to the yard sale pile.  And I'll find another to work that appeals to me.  I have found it is very relaxing to work a puzzle.  It's not very productive - which is why I don't work many puzzles, but anything at this point that brings pleasure and helps you relax and forget the world is a good thing in my book.  I really need to be reading more.  I miss it.  I have too many hobbies.  But when I get tired I'll do one of the three - tropical farmville, read, or work a puzzle.

George fixed a fabulous dinner.  We had the rest of the homegrown green beans.  And we had fish topped with tomatoes and onions and peppers - a Portuguese dish that we had not long ago.  There is also shrimp on top and rice as well.  All very good.  

We closed the day with a couple of shows of the Soprano's.  And then I went to bed.  I hear we are having something interesting for breakfast.

Well as for yesterday's confession of my being upset and boiling over- most of the time I can let things roll off, but when it has to do with tarnishing your reputation or giving someone the wrong impression of you, it's time to be concerned.  People have a hard time with accurate impressions as it is.  And once they get the wrong idea in their head it's a stigma about you forever.  So that is what drives the passion of my comments -it is that people will get the wrong idea when there is no wrong to be held.  Like I said, life is hard enough without others trying to make it harder for you when the problem is their own to begin with.   I don't just let things like that roll off.  I take that quite seriously. However, how I deal with it is usually not to confront the person that falsely accuses and I did not do that recently either.  I boiled over at the person that told me these things that another had said.  But yesterday I said I wish I had not done that and not been quick to anger.  And scripture helped me to try to do better next time.

I usually just let it boil and simmer inside, and do my analyzing of it when I blog.   But when I park it in a blog - it goes away in 24-48 hours.  Then I've purged it and can heal from there.  Except for the deeper painful issues and then it's just suppressed for a while til it rears up again. That is best how it's handled to purge it in writing as I analyze when I write.  The irony with that is that people read it and judge you for that too, lol.

  I realize people gossip and judge and talk about everyone all the darn time.  I realize I'm not exempt from it. Being a preacher's daughter or in my career position, means being held to a higher calling - which I detest by the way.  But I realize, it makes people feel better about themselves when they trash others, especially those with lots in life that are different than their own.  I get that.  And I understand that sometimes jealousy can play a part, although why someone would be jealous of me leaves me scratching my head.  If they are we need to have a talk.  lol   And there is nothing we can ever do to stop the verbal atrocities that people are so determined to spout off.  But I have had people misunderstand me and decide things about me that are untrue most of my life so I guess it just rattles my chain when it does b/c of the pain of what has happened in the past.   It brings it all back.

The devos help and that helped me yesterday.  I should realize that I can pray and tattle to God and He always makes it work out.  I chastise myself for having little faith in those moments when you feel like someone is verbally attacking or wrongly accusing you and you feel alone in the world.  Why then can I not realize that God is with me?

As a teen someone accused me of something I did not do and went and told my father and others that I had been upstairs with someone in a compromising position doing things I should not have been.  As it turns out, I found out some 30 years later it was the youth minister's wife that night that was upstairs doing that and she said it was me to protect herself.  (Eventually she was caught on other occasion and that ended her marriage but I did not find out til recently what really happened and why I was accused.) As a young teen I could not understand why someone would tell such lies on me.

What resulted is that I had to meet with the elders and convince them that this did not happen and that I was not that person.  I have no idea if they believed me or not.  I think they just mainly said that they forgave us. I didn't even do it!  I was not told until recently that it came out who it was that was upstairs.  This was probably the first pain and realization of how cruel and judgmental people in life could be.  I had a boyfriend at the time, so I guess they decided they would use us as the scapegoat.

Of course issues of late are no comparison to that little mother of cruelty. But even back then, it made me question the people I went to church with.  If Christians were going to treat you like that I wanted no part of it.  I guess that made me realize then that I could not trust people.  At all.  Of course I still have hope and always try to trust.  It seems we never learn our lessons.  But in order to have some kind of love and acceptance from others, you have to try again to trust.  I know we are all human and we all sin, but gosh darn it, some of us have really botched it up good at times.  Me included.  But it's things like this that have made me more selfish, more independent, less trusting, and less apt to "put up with" others when I feel threatened.

Even family turns against you from time to time.  Talks about you to other family members.  And word always comes back around.  Now I'm judgmental about how judgmental they are so I guess that makes me no better?  lol

So some of my family is going around saying that I did not raise my daughter that George did?  Excuse me?  Why?  Because he was better at taking care of her when we were out to eat b/c he entertained her in restaurants instead of me?  Because he loves to play and was better at playing with her? Because little girls are always Daddy's girls?  And Mommas always have to be the discipliner and I am the bad guy? And that is what they saw so that is their judgement?

 My family was not at my house to see what work took place and what actions took place and how hard I tried to work full time with a long commute and keep house and get her to church and a private Christian school, to meet her immediate needs, keep her clothed, lunches packed, homework done, errands met, soccer games, piano lessons, driving lessons, hugging the tears away, dealing with the teen years and the hurts that friends inflict on you, being there for the boyfriend break ups, planning family vacations and creating memories, blogging about our life so it will always be cherished, school needs met, and our talks through all the teen years, and the worries and sicknesses and the dirty diapers and...and...and...How could they say this? How bored are they that they sit on a high throne and judge what a bad person and a bad mother I am?  Is it ANY WONDER I have ANY HAIR or ANY DIGNITY or ANY TRUST LEFT for ANY ONE?

 I have had a really hard time with that judgment.  I don't care who reads the blog.  If you make a judgment like that about me, then you better be braced to read or hear anything I have to say about it. After all it IS about me that you are speaking. You think spouting off things like that don't have their consequences?  Or hurts?  Oh hell yes.

So yeah, when someone says things falsely about me, I don't take it lightly.  Criticism of others may roll off one's tongue effortlessly, but the pain it inflicts cuts very deep.  None of us are lily white in our daily walks, but sometimes people need to do a little self reflecting before bringing down others.  When you bring them down, you may be doing it permanently.  And that will be on you when it comes time for your own judgement.

I even have one family member that thinks I'm a horrible person b/c I would not take off work to do something that she had committed to when she was already off that day - she just wanted to go do something more fun than what she committed to. And got mad at me when I could not take off work to go do it so she could go have fun. I offered to do the commitment and take off on another day but no.  She wanted with two days notice me to drop everything and do her commitment so she could go have some fun. Now we are estranged and she has judged my entire life b/c of that one day that I would not do what she wanted. I guess that also falls into manipulation though.  But still there came the judgment and harassment that followed.  There is always someone trying to manipulate you into pleasing themselves.  Hows that for making you feel good about trusting people?  Especially your own family.  Anyway for all those reasons - and examples - I feel the ire running through me when people start saying things about me that are not true.

Thank goodness the most recent issue was not as pressing as those above, but it still brings all those old hurts back.   See my reasons for not talking in another entry.  For someone that takes life serious, these things really hurt.  And the more hurts you have the less you talk.

Anyway, I'm fine.  I'm resilient.  I'm trying not to judge folks back in retaliation.  And that is where scripture comes in.

Ironically my Bible opened today to this:

Psalms 3:
O Lord, how many are my foes!
Many are rising against me;
many are saying of my soul,
there is no salvation for him in God.

But you O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head.
I cried aloud to the Lord, and he answered me from his holy hill.

I lay down and slept;
I woke again, for the Lord sustained me.
I will not be afraid of many thousands of people
who have set themselves against me all around.

Arise O Lord
Save me, O my God
For you strike all my enemies on the cheek;
you break the teeth of the wicked.

Salvation belongs to the Lord; your blessing be on your people!

So as I read this, I realize my troubles are not quite as bad as David's, as he wrote this while fleeing from Absolom, his son.  I do not have thousands of people against me although it feels like it at times.  And my life does not feel in danger, yet - at least not by those that I know.
But the Lord does attend to.  We all sin.  We all fall short.  I have done and do my share.  The pain it inflicts is real.  We've all inflicted pain on one another.  So forgiveness is key.  But the flames of one's words burns down the forest and it takes a long long time to be rebuilt.

Well, it's Sunday and I'm going to get started about my day.

So would you rather me stick to food talk or feeling talk?  I like a mix of both but when I get into feelings it takes a long time!  Because it keeps flowing.  It's a long purge.  lol


  1. Good that you got the devotional time in. I always find it make a difference. My goodness all the food pictures have me starving and thinking that I should cook today...something good. I haven't seen any fresh green beans here yet and that sounds wonderful. I could make a whole meal of them. Hope your Sunday is wonderful one. Enjoy relax and refresh.

  2. I really need to find (start) a book club here, but I know I have been exceedingly spoiled by my Michigan book club. What a lovely group of ladies!

  3. It is easy to understand why these issues have bothered you. Nobody should have to endure these attacks on your character. You should definitely purge any negative feelings as a result.

  4. That was a purge. When family is involved, things hurt a little more & stay on our minds longer. Just because one persons opinion is ridiculous it does not mean others agree. But it does hurt & never should have been said. You know in your heart and soul the truth & others do as well. Such nonsense. Don't people have something better to do?
    I hope you have a peaceful Sunday.

  5. Your lily garden is beautiful.
    I planted a bunch of petunias and the rabbits have eaten them down to stubs.
    I didn't think you could freeze bananas. I thought they just turned black.

    1. They do get a little darker over time but not too much like this. I use them in the smoothies within a week or so, or reach in for some bites as they taste like banana ice cream.

  6. I love the lilies. Such brilliant colors. I'm sorry people are spreading lies and hurtful lies. Some people need to think before they speak. As a mom I know all about being the bad guy when telling a child no and dad saying yes. We do what needs to be done. Your bible verse was soothing. It helps to get us through this life. I try to avoid people who lie and say hurtful things about others. It's not easy when it is family but my mom always said if you can't get along with someone stay away from them. I have a temper when pushed too far and have been known to tell someone off. That usually does it. Most don't like being confronted with their lies. I hope you get some good rest 💤. I think I would put those dogs in a dog bed if they keep waking you. You need your rest. Have a good week

    1. Yes it's harder when you can't get away from it. Luckily I get along with most. I think that sometimes people take advantage of that. I only have so much "mouse" in me before the gorilla comes out though. lol

  7. oh yum.. The sandwich bites and seafood dinner look delicious and healthy as well. Im also a big fan of the Soprano's. I have seen every episode. Now excuse me while I stalk out your blog some more. Im loving it so far. Come visit me sometime.

  8. I am pleased that you have been able to unburden yourself a bit by writing your inner most thoughts and feelings..its always good to remind ourselves of some words given by our Lord other than the most important one and I think,the hardest one is....Love one another.....and the other do not judge...judge not that thee may likewise be judged......we must leave the judging to,the Lord he will in his way.......which might not be our way !!.....
    IT was a wonderful weekend you had and certainly an answer to my prayer for you........if only our Lord could answer all our prayers the way we would like them,to be answered......well by now as it's Tuesday, sorry I didn't get replying yesterday, I hope this week is going to be going as fast as last week...till I see your next blog, take care and always know your REAL friend is here for you xx


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