Saturday, May 19, 2018
:-O Must have been my imagination.
Anyway, I am glad it is Saturday. Yesterday I attempted to do my normal Saturday routine since I was home on a Friday. It was a little difficult. I had so much on my mind literally weighing me down, even though I tried to hand it over to God. Thank goodness I could at least do that. Can you imagine the weight if not? lol Anyway, I DID NOT. WANT. TO. DO. ANYTHING. I think I loss my drive, the wind out of my sails, and nothing mattered. I suppose that must be what depression feels like. So I think I was depressed for a day, just flattened by the week's shenanigans. And to shroud it all on top of that - a former coworker murdered his wife, put his toddler out of the house so police would get him, and then shot himself. It has haunted me all day. He is not the type to do this. It is just horrifying. That was hard to shake. I won't be able to shake that off for a while.
I did end up getting a lot of things done, about 3 loads of laundry, folded some of Kate's laundry, took some boxes downstairs, cleaned up the kitchen, thawed chicken out for dinner. Looked up and idea as to how to fix the chicken so it wouldn't be blahhhh. We don't have a lot of ingredients in the house. I wanted to fix chicken spaghetti. But no mozzarella. In no way was I going to the store. But I found a chicken recipe. I didn't really follow the steps - I just wanted the ingredients for a marinade and to see how they cooked it - from there I did it own my own. I marinated in soy, honey, and garlic. I had filet-ed <-----how do you really spell that? I had filet-ed the chicken lol. And then cut them in half. I pan cooked them in a bit of olive oil and they were really good. I was honored that Katy asked me for the recipe. I told her what I did. I'm glad to know that too now b/c I imagine that I will do that again - may use the similar method with steak.
I guess I spent most of the day with this feeling like - I didn't matter. (I know, go ahead and get the violins, lol). You know - it was just a sulky day. Feeling bad, down, out. A lot of things hitting me at once. Things in life not really turning out exactly like you thought, people not exactly including you in things here, or there or leaving you out here or there, people always finding fault with you when you have done nothing wrong. It doesn't help your already intensified feelings of wondering if you are plugged in at the right place and time? All had been going so well I though. And again it's just part of the devil's ploy, but I can't help from feeling bad, from analyzing everything, to see what went wrong, so I can keep it from going wrong again. Life is a lot easier if you just didn't care. Those that don't care seem to have much more fun in life and be much more accepted. Boo. That's not fair! Those of us that care end up the ones being the most hurt.
So I watched a lot of Keep Your Daydream. There is nothing that can lift my spirits like their family on a travel trip. Of course it always makes me want my own RV and makes me want to just go stock it up and head out. I'd love to do the west coast. I love seeing new places and the adventure of it all. Then coming back to the RV at night and fixing dinner and sitting outside. I watched several episodes. I might have fallen asleep once.
I thought I'd have time to read a book, or do my Bible lesson. But - I think b/w the dogs taking them out, a nasty explosive poo by one of them, my lack of desire to do anything b/c of my mood, and then cooking, coloring my hair, and doing the Target order, and doing the Isagenix order - I think all that just took up my time. I played candy crush while waiting for the hair to color and the chicken to cook. I fixed quinoa and green beans.
Katy came home and is glad for the weekend to start. Then George came home. All were in a great mood and that lightened my spirits incredibly. George stated that we should go out to eat tomorrow b/c we only had Katy there with us for another week or so. So we planned that.
Then Katy got a text and was invited to go to brunch with my SIL and my niece. So they will do that this morning. So I finished dinner and ate watching more of Keep Your Daydream. It just reminds you of the possibilities and that I should do JUST THAT!
Eventually I got sleepy and just went to bed, knowing tomorrow had the opportunity to be better. I slept great. I don't think I woke up at all. We slept to the "thunderstorm setting" with loons, frogs, and seagulls in the background.
When I woke up, the world seemed bright. The sun came up, the temps are cool, and I'm in the sun room. I have immediately family that loves me, friends that love me and get me and actually want to spend time with me, and I have 3 doggies that love me - even a 4th doggie right now. And I have a nice house, surrounded by nice things that I enjoy - our wonderful nest, my goals have jumped back to ALIVE status, my dreams seem more REAL, and I think I'm on the way back to being me.
I just needed some down time to rest I think. I've been going full steam in all parts of my life and then some - for quite a while. A few things happened this week that made me ask a few questions. I know part of the answers, I don't know them all. But one thing is for certain - through all of it - I know the one that holds my tomorrow. I know the one that plants my feet. And that is all I need to know for now.
So today - I will actually PLACE the Target and Isagenix order. (In my cart right now). I will do more laundry, plan next week's wardrobe, do some ironing, clean the kitchen again, do my Bible study, and perhaps find time to read. The sun room feels great. A nice breeze, the sun coming up over my left shoulder, the trees filled in now with leaves and looks like a forest behind me, a fan going, birds chirping, and three dogs by my side.
George has gone on his Saturday morning yard sail. Katy's is still asleep. And so is Findlay.
I'm about to get going on my day. Thanks for reading. I *think* today will be better.