Friday, September 7, 2018

Boundaries and All Sorts of Topics


Well, Burt Reynolds.  RIP.  I didn't realize he was 82.  He was such a favorite.  I felt bad for him and his wife in their very bitter divorce.  It seems after that you didn't hear much from him.  That I remember.  I do remember that interview with Barbara Walters, but most will remember him for Smokey and the Bandit.  Loved it. He and Sally Field were great!  

Yesterday on the way home from work I found a Podcast on Boundaries -I had a feeling that this was the answer - b/c God had sent the message through others to read such.  This was not the leadership podcast I'd paid for, although it is very good.  But this was personal. It gave me some epiphany moments.  

I guess, despite my stubborn ways of defending myself and trying to be callous - which is a defense mechanism for protecting myself and my psyche, I DO end up taking on the world inside and harboring the feelings of others - even when I don't know what those feelings are - and probably even more so when I don't know what those feelings are.  Sometimes it is really overwhelming.  For example, on a given day I might be thinking things like this: 

Does George think I'm a good wife?  
Does he really love me?  
Or is he just tolerating me like a cat would tolerate a dog? 

Does my work think I do a good job? 
Well I've not had a raise in 3 years, they must not think I'm worth it.
No one says I do a good job. 
I must not do a good job.  
Am I too old to do a good job? Is that it?  
I think I am doing a good job.  My heart is in it.  No one said I didn't.  But yet, no one says I do. 
So am I not doing a good job?
I must not be worthy then. 

Oh gosh I've not called _____ in two days. 
She must think ill of me. 
Oh she posted something on Facebook.
That must be about me.  
I need to spend more time with ______ 
Mental note to try to get down to get together and plan something fun. 
She must think I'm awful. 
She probably complains to her friends how awful I am.  
I am an awful person!

Why does X family member hate me?  
What did I do? 
She also thinks I don't do enough to serve everyone in the family?
She said ______.  It's untrue.
Why doesn't she love me as a family member?
Why does she think ____________?
Am I an awful person just b/c she said it?
What is it that I've done that has caused such eternal damage? 
I must be a worse person than I thought.

The podcast was very clear and send a message to my mind and heart like no other has before.  I DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE ON THE FEELINGS AND JUDGMENTS OF OTHERS.  IT'S TOTALLY ON THEM.  IF THEY NEED SOMETHING FROM ME, IT'S THEIR JOB TO COMMUNICATE THAT.  IF THEY PASS JUDGEMENT IT IS ON THEM.  (AND GOD WILL JUDGE THEM ACCORDING TO THEIR OWN JUDGMENTS, it says in the Bible.)  

That said, I DO want to try to serve those around me.  But the truth is, I can only do so much at once.  I absolutely cannot read minds.  I do the best I can every day.  I don't take these things lightly.  The judgments of others weigh heavily on my heart. You know they are there.  Those things above are just examples that go through my head on a daily basis.  And they weigh me down and it needs to stop.

So the podcast said: 

What is it that you talk to others about others?  What is it that you complain about others to others?  
Why can't you just not do that and go the person and draw your boundary lines? Then you don't have to complain about it.  And the negative talk above that I give myself all day long just weighs a person down by days end.  It drains the life and vitality out of you, leaving you exasperated.  ALL THAT BAGGAGE.  

It occurred to me:  
Why not just ask people things you need from them?

 OR Why not just give others the responsibility of saying what needs to be said if they need something from me.  
Why take on things that have not been said, asked, or requested? 
Why feel guilty for being human, for being one person? 
No one else knows your heart but you. 
If someone wants to know why you don't do something, let them ask. 
Most just yell, make their point, and don't listen for your response.  They dump their feelings and run away instead of asking honestly and nicely and trying to solve the issues.  

Everyone has to take care of themselves by asking their own questions.  Self-care.
It kinda gets back to - ask not you have not.  
It really gets down to communication.  It gets down to what we ALLOW others to control us.  I realize now I've been able to ALLOW others not to control my actions.  I'm great at that.  But I've not been good at not allowing others to control my thoughts.  And that has to change immediately.  

But the podcast was great. 
It's The Joy Junkie by Amy Smith. 
Word of Caution - she curses like a sailor.  I personally am offended by that.  
But I DO want the points for takeaway so for the time being I'll listen to the sailor cursing to get the material.

Here’s the reframe: 

You are responsible for your intention, not your reception. You are responsible for YOU…How you show up. How you conduct yourself. Your delivery. That’s all on you. But, the response? Not your responsibility. 

BINGO!  So true.  I feel better already.  
I know for a fact my intentions have been pure and good!  
How others have received them, well, that's on them! And it sounds like God doesn't take that lightly at all. So that's a relief.

But her discoveries are spot on.  Here is an example in her workbook: 

A good many years ago, I realized I was allowing a certain family member to inflict guilt on me and I was actually using that guilt to motivate my actions. The key word in that sentence is allowing. Even though I wasn’t consciously aware at the time, I was the one allowing myself to take on that guilt. That was, and always will be, a choice. I decided that I was no longer going to allow myself to be motivated from a place of guilt or fear. Instead, I chose to be motivated from a place of selfcare. If that certain family member came at me with the routine guilty cadence, I CHOSE to remove myself.


FREEDOM from all that feels so good. 

It will take work but I'm on a quest to release all the baggage of these negative thoughts.  
I'm on a quest to expect if others need something from me, they can ask. 
I will refuse to ALLOW others to make me feel guilty or manipulated. 
I will empower myself with positive thinking and get rid of the negative things that are weighing my spirit down. 

AWESOME.  

Then I went in for the Pedicure and it was great!  



And then I asked for wine. lol 


I missed Katy but we texted and enjoyed wine together from afar.  We sent each other pics of our wine and did our cheers. 

I loved this post about Peppermint Essential oils and wanted to share:


And I ordered my Mocha flavored shakes and the Pumpkin Spice flavored shakes.  I had just placed an order but - oh well!  I have 10 free shippings left! 


It's always fun to buy the seasonal flavors so you have more choices! 

Well, I hope you liked today's entry with the boundary materials.  It will feel good not to harbor and allow what I think others are thinking about me to make my world a negative place.  I'm placing responsibility back where it belongs.  It's ON THEM to communicate their needs to me.  My intentions will continue to be pure and genuine and I will continue to do the best I can.  I have to take care of myself b/c no one else will.  I will seek after my needs.  No one else will. I determine my own value and what I'm worth.  No one else gets to. 

So check you later.  



4 comments:

  1. The thing to remember is, you are not a mind reader. All of us on the planet, we have no idea what other people are thinking about us.

    I kinda think I have an idea but the reality is, I do not know. And I have learned to be ok with that. I don't need to know. I don't need to be liked by everyone, either. That was the most freeing realization of all. I don't like everyone else, why should I expect that everyone is going to like me?

    Dr Phil says "Sometimes, you have to give yourself what you wish someone else would give you." Do you need anyone else to tell you what you already know about yourself? You do a good job. You know that. I know that, from all the way over here on the other side of the world. :) It is nice to have someone else tell you that, but like the Rolling Stones sang - you can't always get what you want. ;)

    I always remember this quote from Memoirs of a Geisha -

    "That very night while I lay on my futon with the room swaying around me, I made up my mind to be
    like the fisherman who hour after hour scoops out fish with his net. Whenever thoughts of the Chairman
    drifted up from within me, I would scoop them out, and scoop them out again, and again, until none of
    them were left."

    I try to do that with any thoughts that really are "not my monkeys" - sweep them out of the basket of my mind, until they go away for good. And they actually do go away if you consciously choose not to allow them to take over - first you have to remember to do it, but after a while it becomes unconscious. What other people think about me, that isn't something I can waste precious minutes of my life on. Ain't nobody got time for that. :)

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    1. I read that book too. So sad all she went through. Amazing what the mind can do to be able to accept the state one is in, to the point of playing games with ones mind to be able to do so. Thanks for that analogy.

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  2. Truly good advice on that pod cast. We cannot allow others to have to control over our own happiness. And we do have to accept responsibility for ourselves. We have a choice every day as to what kind of day we want to have. I choose to be happy. We are what we think we are and I'm not perfect, but I am doing the best I can too. To travel light with least amount of baggage possible is the best way to go. Hope you have a fantastic Friday !

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  3. Oh Sonya love, I am so pleased that you were found by that podcast....God works in surprising ways !....if you had got the one you ordered he woudnt have been able to get the positive messages that have come to you......you know how long I have been walking by your side and I know how often I have tried to tell you not to keep wondering how others feel about you.....but obviously it wasn't the time....THE TIME IS NOW ...I sure hope I can see a less inward thinking friend from now on....It will be hard very hard but you are such a strong friend you will succeed I just know you will.....Have a wonderful weekend, enjoy and relax. Xxxx

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