Sunday, March 24, 2019

Tugie's Last Day

I slept on the front end of the night but about 1:30 through 6:00 was waking up - knowing Tugie was not at the side of our bed in her bed.  It hurt knowing that her body was in the ground out back in a box amidst the dirt and soil and not comfy.  Part of my care and love for her was to make sure she had a warm and comfy place to sleep.  But I know that her body was just a shell that housed her sweet little heart.  And her body was not lasting her will to struggle to live to be with us every day.

In recent days she followed me around again and wanted to be in whatever room I was and would make a bed out of whatever was in the room.  Our laundry, clothes left on the floor, and even this week she laid on the empty pizza boxes in the kitchen that was staged to go outside in the trash.  We laughed at that.  It didn't work out too well, lol.

I was not going to bring it up that time was getting close.  I had brought it up when she started peeing, scratching, and had the stench - is she dying inside?  But docs said she had a while and they could fix part of it.  Her body was just decaying though.  It wasn't meant to last the 18 years.  Her ears were like an elephant's and her legs had lost the hair and her skin was drying and peeling.  It was hard to bathe her b/c she would have spells if you did.  She did well with the groomer until the groomer gently said "no more, let her go".  Groomer ignored, we kept paying for meds.  They could have given her more meds to mask the symptoms but the doctor said it was not going to get better and was prolonging the enevitable but the decision was ours.  Knowing how she is struggling now and seeing the battle - the last few days were pretty miserable for her.  George mentioned on Friday "She's suffering now."  I said "yes" and said "are you thinking we should take her to the vet now on Saturday?"  He said "Yes, I think so."  I said "do you think this is it -?"  He said "yes, probably so?"  And then the tears began to fall.

Saturday morning we got up - I really was thinking that we wouldn't go for some reason.  I tried to keep myself from thinking about it at all.  I didn't mention it at all.  But George said he had to go run errands and he did and then came back and said "I guess we should take her in".  And I knew it was the right thing to do.  I didn't want her to be going through what she was going through any more.  She has been uncomfortable (itching/scratching) for some time but seemed to be happy to be with us but as the doc describes her heart is getting larger and larger and makes her cough.  So I agreed that we would take her.

As much as she has been my dog, George had the hardest time with it.  He broke as he told the lady what we were there for. I'm not sure what he said but was something like - "Probably her last visit."  Anyway we found two chairs around the corner and both cried our eyes out as we took turns holding her.

We probably had to wait 45 min to an hour.  Tugie was miserable waiting, coughing, itching, wanting to be in her soft warm bed.  There were at least two other folks there having to do the same that day.  It was a beautiful Saturday with Sunshine and warmth but broken hearts all around.

Then the time came.  It was very peaceful and we said our good byes.  We both got nose licks and was able to have our hands on her petting her as the comfort shot came and then again as the 2nd lethal one came.  I wanted to scream "nooooo stop", but I knew it was too late and knew that it was the right thing to do.

It's so hard.  George walked out with the box.  He went back in to pay and they said "no not today". So that is nice they let you settle later.  George donated the left over meds we had and he said they would give us credit for it.

Typing through all this, the tears are just pouring.  My eyes are so swollen and puffy with black circles.  I look like I've been in a fight of some sort.  We have to go to church this morning and somehow I have to get make up on my face.  We are taking sausage and biscuits for the table.
Otherwise I'd probably just do a devo at home.  But need to go get ready and try to fix myself up.

So where do dogs go when the die?  They don't have a soul I've heard - I guess a soul is your "right or wrong concieousness of a spirit" best way I can describe it.  But the dog had to have a spirit if it was alive, right?  But a bug is alive too, does it have a spirit?  So I'm all confused about all that.  However, b/c it's man's best friend - I keep thinking that somehow she does have a spirit that has been carried on somewhere.  How could something that has such love, and God's own name spelled backwards not?

I asked God and the answer that popped into my head was that her spirit was reborn into another life and was going to a little girl in an Italian Villa?  Really?  Did I dream that up on my own or did God really answer that.  Who knows?  I don't want my Tugie that far away.  Or maybe she is in her own little state of being like the Rainbow Bridge playing with our other pets who have gone before her.

Meanwhile it hurts to look at the little grave out back with yellow flowers sticking above it.  Her body is there, but where is she?  I pretended she was in spirit on our bed with us, last night b/c I had to.  I also told her I'm sorry and she kept saying back "it's ok Momma - I'm ok now".

Anyway I'm going to quit typing, get more coffee and try to put on makeup.  The weekend is pretty shot for me now as far as productivity.  But who cares.  This was too important and it's a death in the family.  I'll pick up from here AS I WANT TO.  I did get the Target order done as it was much needed.

I need to begin looking at San Antonio so we can try to get some deals and plans on the schedule.
Need to get laundry done.  We did get to the store yesterday.  We decided on steaks.  It seemed to console.  And we watched Rich Crazy Asians.

Better go.  Ya'll have a good Sunday!

7 comments:

  1. Read Dog Heaven if you can. It's a children's book, but so comforting. I give it to all my friends who lose a dog. It's such a hard thing.

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  2. Oh Sonja, My heart goes out to you, we had to do the same on Monday March 18 with our fourteen year old Golden. I was having the same thoughts.Such a heartbreaking decision. I know the body was worn out but "where is my dear, sweet buddy?" I wish there was a more clear answer. Hugs to you and George. It must be some comfort to have the other dogs?

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  3. Lord, how do I not even know your family and yet I'm sitting here on a Sunday morning crying with you all? I've read your blog for years and years and Tugie has been there in almost every post!
    We wil have to face this sadness soon also and don't want to think about it .
    My heart aches for you and your family.
    May Tugie find al the other fur babies and run free and with out pain!

    Rose from the Berkshires

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  4. Dearest Sonya and George, I write with tears running down my cheeks. I hope that you will find some comfort at church this morning., I am going now to write you an e mail I was given a book of poems,stories, etc by friends in New Zealand when my wee dog Tamas died whilst I was on holiday with them....my poor Sister and BIL had the horrendous decision to have him put to sleep...it’s too long to write here. I send you all my love and feelings also love to your Katy who will also be so sad at Tuggie not being there for her when she next comes up .....night night. God Bless 😘

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  5. tugie is in a better place now without the suffering. i know you miss her. you take care of yourself and let memories of her sustain you.

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  6. I commented yesterday here but it’s disappeared...no idea why, I wrote then that I was sending an e mail, hope you have got it...
    Hope you will be fit for work today ....as you will be still in bed, I hope your ha bing a good peaceful sleep..xxx

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  7. As hard as it is, there comes a time we just have to let go. I've been there and don't that. It's a terribly hard thing to do, Our pets are family and we mourn their loss. It does break our hearts to see them suffer so. 18 years is a very good life for any dog. You were blessed to have her in your life for so long. You've done what you could to make her comfortable and happy, more than most could or would do. She is at peace now, no more suffering.

    Love and hugs,
    'ma'

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