I'll try to catch up over the last few days. I have not really been in the mood to blog. When I was I could not really say what I wanted. I will have to go private blog when I get time for that.
I knew this week would be bad. It always is this time of year. And when life's expectations and demands begin to be somewhat unbalanced and unrealistic - you have to step back and assess and figure a few things out. I'd love to say I'm through with the process, but I am afraid I'm not.
So our psychology studies tell us we have to tendency to check out when life is insurmountable. I have a tendency to want to "conquer it all", but at some point you realize - you can't be everyone's everything and so why are you trying to be? I've finally had to say "I surrender" to a few things lately. Or in other words a big fat "absolutely not". I'm still learning this boundary thing. I know my limits but I'm not sure others do and we have to nicely draw lines and let others know b/c they are not necessarily looking out for ourselves, our health, our well being and even if they were they don't know or see what we see. So you have to tell them. This is not something I've been good at in the past as I've always tried to be what people need me to be. I'm trying to get better at the boundary thing. What is it that YOU go and complain about elsewhere? That's probably where a boundary needs to be set. In the past month, I've had to set boundaries with my family and in my job and even with myself.
So this weekend has been nice to have some down time - well sortof - it's busy downtime. But I'm kinda checked out of life in a way. Backing off from everything that involves a lot. Retreating if you will. No planning. No working. Doing whatever the heck I want to. Yes retreating. As few people as possible. No demands. No requests. Not much talking. Quietness. It's why I love back porches, beaches, cabins, walks in the woods, and time to myself.
Life gets too demanding in everything you do. You show up in a world where often others don't. You like to plan and execute in a world where many don't know what that means. Many people are selfish and looking for their own personal gain at your expense. The world is just a hard place to discern sometimes. And when you get to a point, it really doesn't matter anyway - you just need to back off. So this is my "I'm backing off blog entry", or aka "My Retreat Weekend".
Because the blog gets a big piece of me - it's been hard to blog appropriately lately b/c my feelings are such a big part of it. I am not trusting enough anymore to completely share my feelings here.
It's always hard for people to see the truth in black and white. I'm thinking - why is reality ok if it's out there as grey matter? Yeah that is the problem. No one wants to see things for what they are. It's easier for everyone if's grey matter floating around and everyone can pretend it is not there. Put it in writing and it suddenly "becomes fact" in black and white. The trolls get their bites of info and go do their own method of reporting but it's the journalist that gets the heat. Go figure. Even when it's your tale to tell. That is just the way it is on THIS side of heaven. So I won't go into the family dramas, business intensities, the broken dreams, or my own personal day to day to day encounters - and they shall remain undefined.
But I will tell you. That after this week and a month of a lot of various things and trying to be everything to everyone, I just needed a break.
The things in life I like to chase....cannot be the wind. It has to be real. There has to be a real expected result in the end - not just a question mark. There is just too many question marks lately.
So I'm pondering life right now. Not sure exactly what it means or how it will turn out. Usually I just check out for a while, do my thing, make a few changes, and try again at this thing called life. I will gather the puzzle pieces of life and decide if the pieces are gonna fit or whether I need to work a new puzzle.
Til then here's what I've been up to:
My hair is getting longer. Some days it's harder to style, but some days it's easier. It suits me ok but it also looks scraggly some days. I'm on the fence but "longer" is winning. Oh how it would be nice to do pony tails again. Or to put my hair up in a bun. We are a ways off from that.
Getting older, I've spent some time trying to look better. I look at my photos and think "gosh noooo". So time to do some shopping for brighter colors and more lipstick and more makeup to make the wrinkles go away and the hard lines of life to go away. Trying to find a smile.
Glasses on, Glasses off? How do you make the wrinkles go away?
Oh well. No face lifts here. You get the real me. I'll add more make up but no face lifts, lol!
And I've been at it with my shakes and breakfast isalean bars. So getting in the protein.
I even have my stash at work. I would not be able to handle the stress of life without it.
Even had my fruits and greens (shown here).
Life was still stressful though b/c even during one of the busiest times of the year for me - the requests just keep coming. One has limits as to what you can do in reality. Therefore - yet another problem to solve. What do you do when you run out of yourself? There's no more to give.
Tap into the retreat. Currently in progress.
Friday George took me to lunch. That was Good Friday when everyone else was off. So lunch was really busy. Everyone thought it wouldn't be since it's mostly work folk that head over to Joey's but everyone went. And we got our Italian fix for sure.
It's actually intriguing to watch this New York Style pizzeria "Joey's House of Pizza" in action.
I got chicken parm.
G got the Gladiator! Takes two paper plates to hold it.
Once I had it and immediately went into diverticulitis, lol. So no more Gladiator for me. It was actually a more complicated issue of not eating right as a whole, but I've fixed that problem with no more issues, with my superfood nutrition program.
And I have my Sluggie that came in the mail. I wish I'd had the dogs reaction b/c it looked so much like Tugie. Maisy barked b/c I was holding it. Roger sniffed its butt. And we used to think George looked like John Denver, but now I think I do. lol
I think I should get lighter brown glasses and perhaps a bit more round like his.
Oh, John Denver - such a good guy and a great singer. Probably was my first person to make me interested in nature and adventure. I think I have a bit of his spirit.
So yesterday - we took the dogs for a trim. I was dismayed that they came back looking like they had not had much of a trim at all. I think their paws and faces were done and they were bathed and smelled good, but still with much hair - both of them. I started to give scissors to them myself at home. But decided I'd either find another groomer or just go back and give expectations. We get a good rate with her. But I'd rather pay more and have it like I want it. Maybe I'm in the wrong. Maybe they are not supposed to be short haired. It's that boundary/expecation thing again. Where am I complaining that I really just need to go address it head on? It's that Southern Charm thing in the south - we don't like confrontation. So we are passive aggressive. So I'll probably just call back in a month - usually we do two months - but they are going to need trimming again in a month. So I'm going to have to tell her to go shorter since it's summer coming on.
George and I went to Kroger to get a few things and then we ran some other errands and also tried to find a bottle of wine called Quilt that my friend Lauren told me I needed to try while in Oregon. It was $65 a bottle there at the restaurant. I wasn't going to be able to do that. So I saw it in Oklahoma City for $24 glass. Wasn't going to do that to my company either.
So finally we found it - not far from my house for $44 bottle. Got it. Now will savor it for a while and look at it. And then we will decide at some point - what special occasion it will be. George called me his little wine snob - or something like that yesterday. Have never bought a bottle that expensive for myself - maybe not anybody. lol But I hear it's special so we will try it. It might be a special occasion or might be just a simple Friday night. Might even be on a Monday night. Who knows.
We went to Kirklands....this seems fitting for the weekend!
I finished a book yesterday "On Whale Island". And I played Candy Soda Crush and Diamond Diaries. And I watched all my shows and caught up on You Tube.
I needed to replace my mind with things I love and enjoy and get away from the things that are making me feel squashed, squeezed, and __________________ (fill in the blank - I'm not even wanting to finish thinking about it b/c I'm on a retreat from all those things - whatever they are.)
Yesterday, deer ate and rested in our back yard nestled against the woods. I didn't get their picture. I let them be. They were there for the longest.
Sleep has been good this weekend. George fixed a ham (from the pig we bought at the processing center).
Loved this pic I stole of Katy and Cody on the ranch.
What we do without the simple joys of life that make us happy? Like daughters that will travel with you! And spouse to hang out with that will make you feel special. And true friends that care. Like the ones that invited us to Easter lunch today. And the ones that invited us yesterday but the ham already thawing, we were already with heavy plans and I needed laundry and down time to deflate and de-stress and get these errands run and done. So we couldn't be gone both days solid. I also had mentioned planting (but that will have to come another weekend) and had on the schedule to move my summer clothes around. I did that. Brought two tubs up and sent two tubs down. I need another tub. So not finished. I've not worked on my business for a while. I want to get back into that soon as well. I am just having to shut down - and honestly I have for the last few weekends. But I will get up and ride the horse again soon. It's just been a time to throw hands up and say "I'm done - for a while anyway - with everything". But soon I'll be back to wanting to be inspired and wanting to share and wanting to be everyone's everything again. Not right now, not this weekend. But back to planning soon. Right now I'm going to enjoy my "shutting life down retreat mode".
Black Eyed pea salad is made for today's Easter celebration with friends. George wanted to take shrimp and marbled tea eggs. Soon on to shower, ponder what to wear and enjoy being with friends. A warmer 70 ish day and I'm good with that.
And of course it's Easter. He is Risen. And the Easter Bunny probably has been hopping around a few places. Makes me smile. I'll be doing my service in my own way this morning and not just today but this week. So no judgment! One can worship where they are. I've seen so many "worship" on Sun morning for two hours and lose their religion the rest of the week, forgetting what it's about. So there. What's in your heart? Ponder the fruits of the Spirit, the spiritual meaning of Love as it's defined in the Bible. Sometimes we have to be one with God and thank Him for sending His son to die on the cross - to forgive our sinful ways. A dark and dreary Friday and Saturday, but He is risen today in our minds and we know we have HOPE for eternity in a happy place, a retreat of a different kind from the cruelty and burdens of this world. My spirit and soul sing a song of peace, of freedom, of fulfillment, of contentment. One day we won't have to TRY to be EVERYONE's Everything.
And also need a weekend of shopping to rejuvy my wardrobe, shoes, tops, and handbags. Woot Woot. I am pondering a shopping trip in Franklin - cool springs area.
We can just BE and Look to Him b/c HE is EVERYONE's EVERYTHING. Til then I'm going to just rest in His peace that surpasses all understanding. And it feels so good.