Friday, June 7, 2019
Blah, Blah, Blah
Well it is Friday. And a very rainy one at that. We have several days of rain coming but we have needed it. Supposedly we were to have several days of rain already but we've not seen much of it. We have had some clouds. But right now it is REALLY raining.
Yesterday was just kind of a blah day. I felt great though. It was just cloudy and blah. I didn't get to work on things I needed to be working on but instead worked on a survey. Good Daisy it is a very long one. I don't think I have ever worked on a survey that kept droning on and on. I thought I was close to the end and stayed last night to finish but it just kept going into infinity. I was hoping to get finished with the darn thing so I could go in and get done what I really need to be working on. But looks like I'll be working on "the Infinity" yet again today.
I am not sure what is going on but I feel misaligned these days. I am not very excited about life as I normally am. I've not been in the mood to do anything when I get home. I'm normally all planned out with to do's and knowing what I'm going to be doing next on the to do list. And I go through these cycles of being really organized about fitting everything in into the nooks and crannies of my day. But then I will go through a cycle of just being tired of constantly moving and thinking and trying to get it all done. Then I get tired. Then I get mad b/c I can't fit it all in. Then I just refuse to try and just do what I want, and live and let live. And then I get to the point I am now where I go....."Oh, I guess I need to be trying again". Trying for what? I guess that is the big question?
I know what my dreams are. Early retirement, RV, residual income. Sometimes I think I just want to prove I can. I usually do accomplish something when I set my mind to it. But it's really hard. Really really hard to be soooooooooo focused all the time. It's very hard to be trying to find time to do it all and still be sane. I am not willing to give up everything for it. I still want my family and my blog and reading and some free time, and friends. So it's just all a "do it in my time kinda thing". Going very slowly. But it only takes a few attempts at finding the right folks on your team for it to take off. When you build consultants, bam! I am constantly looking for ways to improve my time, my efficiency, my skills, myself, so much at times that I have become weary. Then I realize my house needs cleaning and it all goes out the window while I focus on the domestic. Then I realize I need to exercise and oh my gosh let's find some new recipes. My life is such a spin cycle. It is exciting, but I think I've just been tired. Tired of everything.
Yes, that is it. I think I've blogged myself into the answer here, which is another thing I like about blogging. You discover things about yourself. You get to dive into your reasons and what is going on. And I think I'm just kinda tired of my routine. I'm tired of rushing. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of the same old same old things day after day after day. I'm even tired of chasing inspiration. I'm not inspired or impressed anymore. I'm just blahhhhhhhhhhh.
So usually when I'm like this it's time to just focus on God and let Him determine the paths, and what needs to change. I guess we'll see. Hopefully I will get a renewed spirit. I'm glad it is Friday but honestly I'm not even so excited about that. I normally am. But the weekend just gets your hopes up and then Monday is here again and it all starts over - the rush, the madness, the trying and the sighing. And then it's the weekend again. Yeah, I guess I just need some rest or something. Just feeling blahhhh. I used to say "I just feel like a robot" and that is exactly what this is. I need to quit feeling like a robot. I don't feel like I have a purpose right now or that I'm able to make an impact at anything. I feel like a little grain of sand on a big beach that the wave just keeps knocking over again and again.
Sorry. Maybe I'm a little depressed. But I don't know why. Well I do know why. But not much I can do about it. So life presses on. Maybe I'll be more chipper tomorrow?