Saturday, July 13, 2019

What Drives Me?


Made this graphic back in the early days of playing around.  Very simple and sweet.  I was just so enthralled to be learning that you could make pictures on the computer.

So yesterday was fun - getting to go to lunch with George.  We went to Mission BBQ.  I took a video and failed to take a regular photo.  But the lunch was good.  I had brisket.  He had the smoked steak.

I had a special project to work on yesterday within some spreadsheets that took about half of a day with the interruptions and all.  Just a lot of things going on - putting out fires.   I'm very behind for working on special projects this week.  Plus all the fires to put out.  So hopefully can make some headway next week.  Gonna have to soon.

We are taking the dogs for their rabies shots today so we can take them to their new groomer at the appointed time.  We have dinner with a group of friends tonight. Tomorrow we take Mom for a special birthday dinner.  And we get to see Katy again in a few days!  I will be picking her up at the airport on Thursday.  Sweet.  So we have some serious housework to work in this weekend b/c she is bringing a friend.  So as busy as we are already we have to find time to clean and we want their stay to be special. That said:



I listened to a podcast book yesterday in the car that I'm doing by Peta Kelley called Earth is Hiring.
She is singing my soul in this book.  And I'm hanging on to every word.  I do get a little lost when she talks about aligning oneself with the universe.  That is different language for me as my spirituality and center is God.  So somethings you just have to keep in mind.  But the gist of the book, I like.  That you should be you.  You won't be happy or creative until you do align your world with what is meant to be.  And that your creative flows will be flowing when you are in alignment.  How being in a different place charges your creativeness.  How we don't have to follow what is typically been done in the past.  And how play is very important, even as an adult.  She gets right to the point of things.

And she helps you ask yourself some important questions.  Deep enough that my soul and subpsyche dreamed about it over night.

It is a very charged and deep question to ask oneself - "what drives you?", "What makes you wanna get up in the mornings?"  "What makes you say it was a good day when you hit your head on the pillow at night?"

To be able to answer all these questions, I decided to go deep.  Like really deep into childhood.  So I dug as deep as I could as far back as I can remember as a little girl and growing into adulthood.  Where does one's drive come from?  What makes you want to get out of the bed?  What gives you forward momentum? Well for starters - you had to get out of bed.  You had no choice.  lol

I've always been driven to accomplish my goals, to get the list done. To see the end result.  That is simple in a nutshell.  I wanted to accomplish "the list".  I've always felt there were too many rules.  I've always felt there were too many rules everywhere and that I was doomed that I'd never be able to be perfect to follow all of them.  I've always wanted to be free.  But I've always been a bit afraid of everything.  I was always guarded and protected.  I was always curious.  I always anticipated learning fun and new things.  I always wanted to be loved.  I always liked adventure and going new places.  I always loved to be praised - as in "you did good" or "good job" - it was more about what I did than anything about me personally.  I always wanted to please, but I wanted to do things in my own realm. I've always been very organized.  And while that doesn't seem like a driving force, it has been for me.  I like my world to be mine and to be organized the way I want it to be.  I've always wanted to be in control of my space and my time.  I've not ever really liked authority judging over my life- this is not from a disrespectful standpoint - I just like my own freedom to think, do things my way, think things through and not have to just live by someone else's words or agenda giving my life it's definition.  I like to choose my life path on my own.  I detest criticism and anger and confrontation.  I've never accepted criticism well because I've been around judgmental and opinionated people all my life.  It's made me avoid anything that is debatable in subject matter.  I avoid law, politics, news, and any arguable and debatable point.  I will walk away from an argument or debate at any time.  I loved school and learning.  I hated being on a time schedule though. Yet I do find some comfort in routines as long as the routine can be broken.  I have always liked to be thorough - at least as thorough as I want to be and when I'm done, I'm done.  I never liked reading instructions, I'd rather just dive in. I'm disciplined though enough to do the hard stuff first, get work done and play later.   I've always been afraid of being in a group of people I was not familiar with.  Horrors - getting on the school bus and having to select who to sit with? Or being in a crowd and not knowing who to talk to and just appearing weird.  The fear of the unknown has sometimes held me back.  The fear that a situation will be worse instead of better, has always held me back. I've always been sensitive and have taken people's words to heart which is why I have a protective shell around my heart.  Tears spill easily if I think I've disappointed someone because it was never my intention.  I've disappointed many people and many people have disappointed me.  Because of this my heart has been hardened and I continue to protect it by not allowing any feelings in that could break my heart or anyone elses again.

And those are all the things I can think of that either help or hamper me as far as my drive or lack thereof. All of that is "me" in a nut shell.

So zoom forward to this very day.  Why do I get out of bed?  Well, my dog needed me.  Or I would have kept sleeping.  I do have on my mind the things I want to do today, and the things I want to enjoy today.  I love planning the future, I love getting my list done still.  I like being able to see what I have accomplished.  My list is always way longer because my brain is way bigger than the time I have to do what I have set for myself to do.  I love learning new things.

Is my heart in the right place?  Well I hope so.  Perhaps I should be looking more outward under God's plan for my life to be there for others more.  That is within my plan and my thinking.  But I will be honest.  If we are talking drive here.  I'm all about my list and my agenda. It doesn't mean I don't love anyone else.  It's just the way I'm wired.  I guess I was born with that.  I was probably re-enforced and taught that in my upbringing and especially through school .  You do what you are supposed to, you organize your room, you get your homework, you put up your dishes, you follow these rules and follow this schedule.  You show up on time, be nice to others, take care of your stuff, make your stuff nice and neat, learn, grow.  So that is what I did.  You love and be there for others in the process.  And so has been the days of my life.

So I had to go through this exercise in my sleep apparently last night and this is what I came up with to see what drives me.  It's all about the list.  I see that is why I'm so attracted to George.  He is also all about his list too.

There are times when the agenda needs to be put on hold.  When life is not makings sense, you are off the agenda, or having to follow someone else's agenda, or your mind just needs a break - and I think that is why I like to play games.  I get to work on something other than my life but yet use the skills I have that I enjoy using.

What drives you?

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